


Teardrops and Rain

by pcrrycox



Category: Scrubs (TV)
Genre: Amnesia, Angst with a Happy Ending, JD Leans on His Friends, Kelso is Nice for Once in His Rotten Life, M/M, Trans JD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-28
Updated: 2017-04-28
Packaged: 2018-10-24 20:53:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 30,362
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10749618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pcrrycox/pseuds/pcrrycox
Summary: JD and Perry have been married for almost two years, and together for much longer than that, when Perry is the victim of a hit-and-run. Just when JD thinks his husband is out of the woods and on the mend, he gets the surprise of his life: Perry doesn't remember anything from the last six years. Throughout the twists and turns and ups and downs of Perry's recovery, JD relies on help from his friends and clings to the hope that one day, his life will be a little less complicated.





	Teardrops and Rain

**Author's Note:**

> Let it be noted that I am immensely proud of myself for writing this fic. Not only is it the longest fic I have ever written to date, but I'm just very happy with the way it turned out.   
> I'm aware that this is a trope that's already been done in the Scrubs fandom probably a few too many times, but it has a special place in my heart. In the interest of not stepping on any toes, I wanted to step away from JD being the one who is constantly getting hurt (though I love me some JD angst), and though he does go through quite a hard time in this fic, for once he's not the one in a hospital bed, bloody and half-dead.  
> Anyway, I hope everyone who reads this enjoys it and I strongly encourage (code for BEG YOU) to leave me a comment about what you thought or if any lines/passages/parts of the fic stuck out to you. Thank you all SO much in advance and happy reading!

              The first thing JD noticed when he woke up was that very little time had passed since he’d fallen asleep.  It wasn’t all that surprising, given that naps in the on-call room were taken with the understanding that if his pager went off, he’d have to spring out of bed and get moving as quickly as he could.  But it wasn’t JD’s pager that had woken him – it was Turk, leaning over his bed and shaking his shoulder.  It was too dark in the room to see his expression, and JD looked blearily up at him as he processed the disturbance.

              “Dude,” he grumbled, shrugging Turk’s hand off him as he rubbed at his tired eyes.

              “You need to come with me,” Turk said, and something in his tone told JD not to argue.  He didn’t like how solemn Turk seemed; had one of his patients crashed while he was sleeping?

              JD sighed and heaved himself out of bed and let Turk lead him out into the hallway.  He blinked against the harsh lighting until his eyes adjusted, all the while blindly following Turk.  When they emerged into the ICU, Elliot hurried over to him, her eyes wide and teary.  He furrowed his brows at her and frowned.

              “Oh, JD, I’m so sorry,” she sniffed, embracing him without warning. 

              “Uh… okay,” JD said slowly as Elliot released him.  “Is somebody going to tell me what’s going on?”

              Elliot’s gaze flashed over to Turk, who was fidgeting with his shirt.  “You haven’t told him yet?” she asked incredulously.

              “How was I supposed to do that?” Turk retorted, sounding helpless.

              “Men!” Elliot sighed before turning back to a thoroughly confused and exhausted JD.  “JD, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but… it’s Perry.  He was in an accident and –”

              JD recalled that somewhere he’d heard that when a person receives bad news, it can feel like the entire world slows down.  He remembered when his dad passed away, and how he felt numb at first, until the news had sunken in, but that was nothing compared to how he felt now.  It was true, he thought as he glanced around the ICU, taking in the sympathetic glances from some of the staff, that his world had come to a screeching halt.  He stared at Elliot as her mouth continued to move, but he heard nothing.  All the sounds around him blurred together into a dull roar, filling his consciousness.  He thought back to the last time he and Perry had visited the coast.  They’d sat in the sand and listened to the waves crash onto the beach.  That was the sound he was hearing – waves breaking when they hit the shore – but there was no reprieve, no pause as they waited for the next one to come.  Logically, JD knew he should be listening to Elliot, but his sole thought was of Perry and whether or not he was okay.  Judging by the looks he was getting – not to mention the expression of pity and sorrow on Turk’s and Elliot’s faces – things weren’t promising.

              “Where is he?” JD finally asked, not caring that he’d cut off Elliot mid-sentence.  He turned to Turk, looking at him imploringly.  “I need to see him.”

              Turk shook his head.  “He’s in surgery,” he explained.  “EMTs brought him in, the attending down in the ER took one look at him and got him into the OR.  They’re doing everything they can for him.”

              JD’s knees buckled suddenly, but Turk’s arms were around him, supporting him, in an instant.  He felt himself being led down the hall toward the lounge, could feel everyone’s eyes on him, hear their whispers.  Turk set him down on the couch and was beside him the next moment.  “Sorry I woke you when you can’t see him,” he said quietly.  “But I figured you’d want to know.”

              JD managed to nod.  "Thanks,” he whispered.  He looked down at his hands, resting flat on the tops of his legs.  His wedding ring stared back at him, shining and silver, feeling much heavier than usual.  “What happened?”

              Turk heaved a sigh and ran a hand over his head before he began.  “We only know what the EMTs told us, of course, but it looks like he was on a run and some idiot ran a red light.  They – fuck, man, they didn’t even stop.  The guy who placed the 9-1-1 call got their plates, though, so I guess that’s something…  Uh, anyway, I’m sure he’s got some broken bones, and a pretty severe head injury by the sound of it.  I’m so sorry, JD.”

              JD bit his lip, hard, to keep from breaking down.  No, Perry had to be all right.  Just that morning, when JD was on his way out the door, Perry promised they’d grab dinner tonight.  It had been a while since they’d gone out, what with the hospital and life refusing to slow down for them.  He twisted his wedding ring a bit, fidgeting with it, and tried to keep from imagining Perry lying broken in the middle of the street.  JD’d told him to buy a treadmill instead of running outside, but Perry preferred the sun and wind on his skin. 

              “That’s all you know?” he asked in a tremulous voice.

              “For now, yeah,” Turk replied.  “I told them to update us as often as possible.”

              “Did… did you see him?”

              “No,” Turk said, shaking his head.  “No, he was in the OR before I even got down there.  They were working quickly, JD.  He’s in good hands.”

              “I know,” JD said, feeling deflated.  “God, I wish… I just want to see him, be able to talk to him.”

              “You’ll be able to,” Turk promised as he moved his arm around JD’s slumped shoulders.  “That’s a promise.”

              “I’ll have to lecture him about missing our dinner date tonight,” JD said, not quite managing a smile.  He let out a breath that was supposed to be a laugh.  He looked up at the clock.  Four thirty-three.  What he wouldn’t give to be wrapping up his shift and hurrying home to get dressed up for the first time in ages.

              “I’m sure he’d be able to come up with a good excuse,” Turk said, his tone light-hearted in an attempt to lift JD’s spirits. 

              “Yeah,” JD sighed, still twisting his ring.  “Turk?”

              “Yeah, man?”

              “He’s going to be okay, right?” JD asked softly, lifting his head to look Turk in the eye.  “’Cause I don’t think I could handle it if – if he isn’t.”

              “Course he’ll be okay,” Turk said without hesitation, rubbing JD’s shoulder.  “He’s Perry Cox.  He’s too stubborn _not_ to be.”

              JD actually let out a small laugh, though as soon as he did, tears sprang into his eyes.  He blinked against them then thought better of it, knowing that if anyone had to see him cry, he’d prefer it to be Turk.  “You’ve got a point there,” he said thickly, wiping at his cheeks even as a quiet sob shook his body.

              “It’s okay,” Turk murmured, letting JD turn his head and cry onto his shoulder.  “You’re okay.”

             

              Time, it turned out, was cruel.

              When JD had finally cried himself out, and thoroughly soaked the shoulder of Turk’s scrubs in the process, the two of them sat silently in the lounge with nothing to do but wait.  Elliot made brief appearances, but she found herself busy with covering the rest of JD’s shift, not to mention her own patients.  Carla came by with Izzy an hour later, after Izzy had woken up from her nap.  The three of them sat on the couch and watched Izzy attempt to crawl around on the blanket Carla had laid out in front of them and bat around a few of her toys.

              Several times over the course of the next few hours, JD sprang to his feet every time a member of the surgical team, clad in green scrubs and wearing a solemn expression, appeared in the doorway.  The news was always the same: things were going as well as they could expect and they’d update him again soon.  They would never tell him exactly what they were doing or what the extent of Perry’s injuries was.  Each time he saw one of them, his breath caught in his throat, expecting to hear the worst.  Turk and Carla were always there beside him, but he longed to be able to see his husband, to reach out and touch him.

              It was nearly two and a half hours later before anyone else came back into the lounge to update them on Perry’s condition.  As soon as JD caught sight of green scrubs, he scrambled up from his seat, and Turk and Carla weren’t far behind, the former carrying Izzy with him.

              “How is he?” JD asked, staring imploringly at Dr. Wen, who he had not yet seen that evening.  He wasn’t sure if that was a good or bad thing.

              “He’s holding on,” Dr. Wen said, choosing his words carefully.  JD knew better than to think that meant Perry was out of the woods.  “My team is closing as we speak.”

JD nodded, letting go of the breath he’d been holding.  “Nobody’s told me what you were doing, what sort of injuries he has…”

“He fractured his femur,” Dr. Wen began and JD had a feeling it was going to be a long list, “so we put in internal fixators to hold the bone in place while it heals.  The impact from the vehicle caused a pelvic fracture as well, though it was less severe than we’d initially thought.  Because of the nature of the break, we’ve put in a few pins and are optimistic that once healed he’ll be able to walk again with physical therapy.  His left shoulder was also dislocated, presumably from when he hit the ground, but that was an easy fix.”

              JD was glad to hear that Perry would walk again, but knew there was more.  He waited for the bomb to drop, the big one that was causing Dr. Wen to be so subdued.

              “Tell me,” JD urged.  “Please.”

              “Well, we won’t know for certain until he’s out of surgery, but we’re fairly confident he’ll have, at the very least, a mild brain injury.  The collision coupled with the way his head hit the ground… We can expect to see some effects once he’s woken up.”

              “Right,” JD said softly, knowing exactly what effects Dr. Wen spoke of.  Perry could experience any host of cognitive and physical symptoms, ranging from headaches and nausea to confusion, agitation, or blurred vision.  And that was if it was _mild._   “Uh, thank you, Dr. Wen, for everything.”

              Dr. Wen shook JD’s hand and gave Turk and Carla a nod.  “We hope to have him in recovery within the hour.  I’ll have one of my nurses page you with his room number.”

              “Please do,” JD agreed, letting his arm fall back to his side.

              JD slowly turned back toward the couch and sank down onto it.  He leaned against the back and brought a hand up to his forehead, closing his eyes.  He felt the cushion sink down next to him.  “He’ll be okay, Bambi,” Carla murmured, circling her arm around JD’s.  “You’ll feel better once you see him.”

              “Can I tell you something?” JD asked, dropping his hand and looking over at Carla.  Turk was on the floor with Izzy, and while he would tell his best friend anything, this seemed more suited for Carla’s expertise.

              “Of course, JD, you can tell me anything,” Carla offered, her brows furrowing.

              “I’m scared to see him,” he said in a small voice after a moment of hesitation.  “I mean, god knows I want to, but what if he doesn’t look like him?  I – I’m sure he’s pretty beat up… but I’ve never seen him like that, like anything less than himself and – fuck, I’m so scared.”

              “Oh, JD,” Carla sighed, squeezing his arm.  “It’s okay to be scared.  In fact, I’d be worried if you weren’t.  I don’t think it’s a bad idea to prepare yourself now for the way he might look.  He’ll be hooked up to monitors and I.V.s and he’ll be intubated… It won’t be easy to see, you know that, but underneath all that, he’s still Perry and he loves you more than anything.”

              JD closed his eyes briefly, grateful that he’d cried himself out hours ago – he even had the red, swollen eyes to prove it.  “I just keep picturing him,” he whispered, “lying there…”

              Carla hushed him then, moving her arms around his shoulders as she rocked him gently.  “Turk and I will be right there if you need us,” she reassured him.  “Elliot, too.  You just say the word, all right?”

              JD nodded, hugging Carla back, appreciating her maternal instincts just then.  “You always know what to say, don’t you?” he asked some time later, watching Izzy and Turk entertain themselves with a set of blocks. 

              “I try my best,” Carla said with a small smile.  “You’re family, Bambi.  That’s just how it works.”

              They were silent after that, JD waiting anxiously to be notified of Perry’s room number.  He assumed they’d put him in an open room in the ICU, but suspected they’d have to do some moving around given that the ward had been fuller than usual as of late.  Turk was sprawled out on the other couch with Izzy sleeping soundly on his chest when JD’s pager went off.  He jumped rather violently, making Carla do the same.  JD sat forward and swallowed hard.

              “You want me to come with you?” Turk asked. 

              JD shook his head.  Even if he wanted Turk to come, he couldn’t have torn him away from his family.  “No, it’s okay,” he said somberly.  “I have to do this on my own.  He’s in bed eight, if you guys want to come by later.”

              “We’ll check in on you in a little while,” Carla told him, patting his back.  “You know where to find us if you need us.”

              “Yeah,” JD agreed, forcing himself to stand on shaking legs.  “Thanks, guys.  I mean it.”

              Turk gave him a soft smile as he left the lounge.  As he stepped out into the hallway, it occurred to him that they’d been left alone all evening.  He wondered if Elliot had asked everyone to stay out of their way – or, rather, demanded it – but he was still surprised that they’d listened.  Most of the people he passed kept their heads down, but he received a few pats on the shoulder and well-wishes.  He was grateful for the support, but the closer he got to Perry’s room, which was one of the private rooms in the ICU as opposed to one of the open bays, the more nervous he felt. 

              He hesitated outside the door, but before he could go inside, Dr. Wen walked up to him.  “Things took a little longer than we expected,” he explained, foregoing a greeting.

              “Oh, uh, it’s okay,” JD said, taken off-guard.  Time held no meaning to him right now.  Chunks of it flew by, while minutes sometimes seemed to drag on and on.  “I was just about to head in…”

              “By all means,” Dr. Wen said, stepping off to the side.  “I’ve transferred his care over to Dr. Reid, seeing as she’s the attending on call, but if you’d prefer someone else –”

              “No,” JD said quickly.  He trusted Elliot with his life, and therefore Perry’s by extension.  “No, Elliot’s great.  Thank you.”

              Dr. Wen nodded.  “If you have any further questions about his care or recovery, please don’t hesitate to get a hold of me,” he told JD.  “And, Dr. Dorian?”

              JD looked back up at him expectantly. 

              “He’s a fighter,” Dr. Wen said, his professional tone lapsing for just a moment.  “He’ll pull through.”

              JD found himself choked up once again and it was all he could do to shake Dr. Wen’s hand.  Steeling himself, he pushed open the door to Perry’s room and shut it quickly behind him before stepping further inside.  Nothing could have prepared him for the sight before him – no amount of envisioning Perry’s broken and bruised body could have lessened the blow, JD realized, because the man that was lying on the hospital bed, lower body covered in a crisp, thin sheet, looked nothing like his husband.  He brought a shaking hand up to cover his mouth as he moved to the side of Perry’s bed, his legs struggling to support him. 

              “Oh, Perry,” he whispered, fresh tears stinging in his eyes. 

              There was a large gauze bandage wrapped around Perry’s head, with a significant amount of padding cushioning where his head must have hit the pavement.  The entire left side of his face was covered in scrapes and cuts – by the looks of it, once he’d hit the ground, he’d slid before coming to a stop – and bruises that were just beginning to blossom and spread over his now-pale complexion.  JD shuddered to think how he’d look in a few days when they’d darkened into nasty purples and blues. 

              Perry’s left arm was in a sling to immobilize his shoulder, the one that’d been dislocated.  Seeing Perry lying there so broken and vulnerable made his tears fall quickly after that, and he pulled up the nearest chair, lowering his head onto the edge of the bed.  None of this was fair.  Perry didn’t deserve this.  He’d worked so hard to get where he was and was so intelligent and driven and _sweet_.  Those were just some of the reasons JD’d fallen in love with him nearly six years ago. 

              It had happened easily, with little effort from either of them.  It was the end of his first year at Sacred Heart, back when he was just an intern.  He’d been trying to thank Perry for all he’d done to help him over the last year, though he really wasn’t making headway with the older doctor.  Finally, he resorted to asking if he could buy Perry dinner, and to his shock, Perry had accepted.  They’d gone out that night to an upscale restaurant that served food that Perry said was to die for.  He’d turned out to be right, and over their meals, they’d talked and talked and _talked._ It wasn’t until the end of the night, when the two of them walked out of the restaurant together with Perry’s hand on the small of JD’s back, that JD realized it had been a date.  A real, live, honest-to-god _date._ From there on out, JD found himself unable to get enough of Perry, and every spare moment the two of them had was spent with each other.  JD found he quite liked _Perry_ as opposed to Dr. Cox and, as Perry liked to put it, the rest was history.

              Next month would mark their second wedding anniversary and JD’s only wish was that Perry would be well enough that they could celebrate somehow, even if it was just Chinese takeout and a couple candles.  He didn’t need anything fancy, not when he was able to fall asleep every night and wake up every morning next to the love of his life.

              It was now that it was finally sinking in just how close he’d come to losing Perry.  His body shook with sobs that he hadn’t let out until now.  Even the time he’d spent crying on Turk’s shoulder was nothing compared to the soft moans wrenching their way out of his chest as his tears flowed hot and fast onto the bedspread.  In the back of his mind, he knew he should be quiet, but if he didn’t let his emotions out _somehow,_ he’d only end up feeling worse. 

              That was how Turk found him, twenty minutes later.  By then, his tears had slowed somewhat and his sobbing wasn’t as violent.  Turk brought him a blanket – a real one, not one of the thin, scratchy ones the hospital supplied – and draped it over him.  “Try to get some sleep, okay?” he told JD.  “You’re not doing anyone any good if you exhaust yourself.  You’ll know if he wakes up.”

              JD nodded, drawing the blanket in tighter around himself as he tucked his legs under himself.  “See you guys tomorrow?” he asked hopefully, knowing he must look awfully pathetic.

              “Of course,” Turk promised, squeezing JD’s shoulder.  “We’re heading home now, but if anything changes, give us a call.”

              “I will,” JD said, hardly taking his eyes off Perry.

              “Seriously, get some rest, JD,” Turk reminded him before leaving him alone in Perry’s room once again.

              JD reached for the plastic bag of Perry’s belongings that the ER staff and surgeons had compiled.  His wallet, keys, and what JD was hoping for most: Perry’s wedding ring.  With shaking hands, he took the silver ring that matched his own in one hand and Perry’s left hand in his other.  He slid the ring onto his fourth finger, taking care not to jostle Perry for fear that he’d be able to feel any small amount of pain.

              JD found it difficult to drift off that night.  Between the steady beeping of the monitors and the mechanical wheeze of the ventilator, every time he got close to sleep, he jerked awake and squinted at Perry in the darkness to make sure he was still there.  He knew he was silly to hope for the older man to wake up, but that didn’t mean he could help himself.  It was unlikely given the trauma he’d been through that he would wake up right away.  Realistically, it was a good thing that Perry was still out because once he woke up, the pain he would feel would be excruciating, and that was not something JD was looking forward to.  Perry had gone through enough already, but the next several months would be difficult in that regard even with proper pain management.

              JD did manage to sleep in short bursts, though every little noise seemed to wake him.  Usually, he was a heavy sleeper – sometimes Perry even had trouble waking him – but that night was much different.  By the time morning came, he did not feel particularly well-rested and his eyes felt tired and dry.  He was stiff from sleeping awkwardly in the chair.  Perry still hadn’t woken.  The first person he saw that morning was Laverne, and she was followed by an orderly pushing a large, cushioned chair on wheels.

              “Good morning, q-tip,” she said gently, walking over to where JD sat next to Perry’s bed.  “This is for you.”

              “You didn’t have to do that,” JD said halfheartedly, not in the mood to really argue.  “But thank you.”

              “I’m just sorry the night shift let you sleep in this old thing,” Laverne said, shaking her head as she pulled JD out of the chair and moved it into the corner of the room, beside the window.  “At least you’ll be more comfortable now.  It even reclines.”

              JD felt oddly touched.  He knew Laverne wasn’t his biggest fan, but suspected beneath her no-nonsense exterior was a heart of gold.  “Thanks, Laverne,” JD said again, sinking into the new chair, which was far more comfortable.  He tightened his blanket around his shoulders and cast a glance over to Perry as the orderly left the room.

              “I’m sure he’ll wake up soon,” Laverne offered, watching Perry from the foot of the bed.

              “Yeah,” JD said softly.  “I hope so.”

              “I’ve been praying for him,” she said after a brief pause.

              JD looked up at her and smiled softly.  “Thank you.  I appreciate that.  He would, too.”

              Laverne smiled back, lingering for just a few more moments before she left, leaving JD alone with Perry once more. 

              “Hey,” he murmured, scooting the chair closer to the edge of Perry’s bed.  “If you can hear me in there, Perry, you’ve got a lot of people who are pulling for you.  The hospital’s not the same without you, you know.  God, I just… I miss you so much.  I miss you teasing me and your smile and that little look you give me from across the room that lets me know you were thinking about me, too.  I just keep thinking that maybe if I close my eyes long enough and wish _hard_ enough, that maybe I’ll open them and you’ll be awake.  I know it’s silly – I’m a doctor for heaven’s sake.  Doesn’t make this any easier, though.  I think it makes it harder because I know all of what could go wrong…  But that doesn’t matter because if there’s anyone – anyone in the world – who can pull through this, it’s you, Perry.  And I’m going to be right here with you the whole time, I swear.  I love you.”

              JD held his breath, half-expecting for Perry to open his eyes just then, but after several moments, he sank back into his chair, reclining it, deciding that if he was camping out, he might as well be comfortable.  He stretched out, keeping his eyes on Perry until they fell shut once again, and he fell asleep.

              He managed to stay asleep for several hours, but was awakened by Turk, who had a duffel bag slung over one shoulder and a tray of food in his hands.  He gave JD a warm, yet apologetic smile.

              “Sorry I woke you,” he said, keeping his voice down. 

              “It’s okay,” JD said dismissively, sitting up and rubbing his eyes.

              “I just talked to Elliot,” Turk said, setting the duffel bag down on the floor next to JD as he pulled up the other chair and sat down.  “She was in here about an hour ago to check on Perry’s vitals and she said everything’s looking good and that he’s stable.  He could wake up at any time.  Oh, and this is for you.”  He handed JD the tray of food, which, while it looked good, JD found he wasn’t very hungry.

              “I want him to wake up more than anything,” JD said, looking down at the food.  “But I know he’ll be in pain when he does.  I just wish I could take some of it away from him.”

              “It’s gonna be a long recovery,” Turk said seriously, eyeing JD.  “And you won’t be doing anyone any good if you don’t stay healthy.  Eat, JD.”

              JD sighed and took a bite of the sandwich.  “Thanks, man,” he said quietly.

              “Don’t mention it,” Turk said, waving a hand.  “There’s a few changes of clothes in the bag, plus all your bathroom stuff and a few other things I threw in there for when Perry wakes up.”

              JD nodded, his mouth full.  He realized he was rather hungry, though he hadn’t felt it before.  “I’m telling you, the first thing I’m going to do once he comes back home is buying him a treadmill.”

              Turk snorted, snagging a handful of JD’s grapes.  “He oughta love that,” he said with a grin.  “Maybe he might actually listen to you, though.  Stranger things have happened.”

              “Yeah, they have,” JD agreed as he finished off the last of his sandwich.  “I think I’m going to run to the locker room and have a quick shower.  Might make me feel a little more human.”

              “Do you want me to sit with him while you’re gone?” Turk asked.

              JD bit his lip, looking over at Perry, who looked no different than he had all night apart from his darkening bruises.  “Do you have anywhere else to be?”

              “Nope,” Turk said, settling into his chair.  “My shift doesn’t start for another half hour.”

              “I’ll be quick,” JD promised, rummaging through the duffel bag for a change of clothes.  “Thank you so much, Turk.”

              “Seriously, dude, you don’t have to thank me for everything,” Turk said, a small smile on his face.  “Go on.  I’ll page you if anything happens.”

              JD showered as quickly as humanly possible, feeling rather guilty for leaving Perry, even if Turk was there with him.  He knew it was illogical, that Perry didn’t even know he’d left the room, but it didn’t stop him from worrying the entire time he was gone.  He kept his pager right outside the showers, straining to listen just in case it went off.  But by the time JD stepped out of the shower and toweled off, his pager hadn’t made a single noise.  He glanced continually at it as he dressed in a pair of faded jeans and his usual layered shirts, leaving his hair to air dry, something he did more often now since Perry preferred it without all the usual product in it.

              On his way back up to Perry’s room, he fidgeted with his ring, absentmindedly biting his lip.  He nearly walked into Elliot as he rounded the corner into the ICU.  She looked exhausted, but in her usual manic sort of way.

              “Oh, JD, hi!” she said, her eyes going wide.  “Your lip is bleeding.”

              JD’s brows furrowed and he touched his bottom lip and sure enough, there was blood on his fingers.  “Didn’t even notice,” he mumbled, wiping the blood away.  “Guess I’m kind of a basket case right now, huh?”

              “You have every right to be,” she said sympathetically.  “But we all know he’ll pull through.”

              “Thanks for taking such good care of him, Elliot.  It means the world to me.”

              Elliot smiled softly.  “I’ll be back to check on him later, okay?  You should go get some rest.  No offense, JD, but you look kind of awful.”

              JD managed to chuckle.  “Yeah, I know, I saw in the mirror.  At least no one can judge me for it.  I deserve to look like a wreck right now.”

              Elliot patted his shoulder.  “I’ll see you around,” she told him before scurrying off.

              JD made his way back to Perry’s room.  “Did I miss anything good?”

              “Wish I could say yes, but not a thing,” Turk said regretfully.  “He’s still totally out.”

              “I just ran into Elliot,” JD said conversationally, not having expected to receive any news from Turk anyway.  “She told me I looked bad.”

              “You kinda do,” Turk shrugged.  “But you’re allowed to.”

              “That’s what I said,” JD agreed.  “Perry’d probably be pissed at me for it, too.  He’d say I should go home and get some rest, eat a decent meal, but he’d be doing the same thing if the roles were reversed.”

              “Yeah, and he’d also be barking orders at everyone,” Turk said fondly.  “Remember when you sprained your ankle?  I think he nearly beat the E.R. attending with one of your crutches.”

              JD couldn’t hold back a laugh as he sat back down in his chair.  “It wasn’t very funny then, but now…”

              “Dude, come on, it was _hilarious_ then.”

              “Well, in Perry’s defense, Dr. Rose did ask him if he knew how to treat me properly,” JD giggled.  “And he knew exactly who we were, too.  I mean, even if we weren’t doctors, who doesn’t know how to treat a sprained ankle?”

              “Yeah, well, that dude’s always been a little off, anyway,” Turk said with a grin as he stood.  “I gotta get going, though.  My shift starts in a few minutes.”

              “All right,” JD said, giving Turk a little wave.  “Thanks for Perry-sitting.”

              Turk rolled his eyes.  “Any time, buddy.  I’ll stop by when I get a chance.  See ya, Perry.”

              JD watched Turk go, the smile slowly fading from his face as he held his breath, hoping that maybe, just _maybe,_ Perry would respond.  Of course, he wouldn’t be so lucky.  He reclined in his chair once again, turning on his side so he was laying parallel to Perry and watched his chest move up and down with each breath.  With his stomach now full – or at least less empty than it’d been since the accident – JD managed to drift off once again into a dreamless sleep.

 

              JD suddenly jerked awake, his eyes flying open.  He’d heard Perry say something, without a doubt.  He’d heard his voice which meant he was awake and responsive.  He sat up, blinking away the tiredness in his eyes, but found Perry laying in the same position he’d been in, eyes closed and very much unresponsive. 

              “Perry?” JD asked softly, leaning closer to him.  “Perry, can you hear me?”

              Nothing.

              “Perry,” JD repeated, a little more loudly.  He reached out to touch Perry’s arm, careful not to cause him any pain.  “Open your eyes.  If you can hear me, open your eyes.”

              JD waited for several moments, hardly blinking in case he missed something – _anything._ His head snapped up when he heard someone enter the room.  He felt strangely embarrassed, though he wasn’t quite sure why.

              “Hey, Jordan,” he said softly, sitting back in his chair.  “I think I just dreamt that he woke up.”

              Jordan gave him a sympathetic smile as she walked over to the other side of Perry’s bed.  “He should have listened to you about the treadmill,” she said, looking down at Perry’s face.

              “I’d bet you fifty bucks that he _still_ won’t want to do it after he heals up,” JD said, forcing a smile onto his own face.

              “Yeah, probably not,” Jordan agreed.  “So, how’s he doing?”

              JD shrugged.  “We won’t really know how he is until he wakes up,” he said honestly.  “There’s a chance he has a brain injury, but we can’t measure that sort of thing, not really, until he’s alert and responsive.  He was in surgery last night and hasn’t woken up since.”

              Jordan glanced over at JD.  “And how’re you holding up, DJ?”

              “Me?” JD asked, surprised by the question.  It wasn’t as though he and Jordan hadn’t become closer over the years, but he would hardly call them best friends.  “I’m – I’m hanging in there, I guess.  I really wish he’d hurry up and wake up, though… I miss him.”

              “Well, you and I both know he’s a fighter,” Jordan said, confidence in her tone.  “He’s probably just catching up on all the rest he’s missed from working his ass off here.”

              “Yeah,” JD said lamely, sinking further into his chair.

              “You mind if I talk to him?” Jordan asked after a brief, but awkward pause.

              JD shook his head.  “No, of course not.  I can step out if you’d like.”

              “Park it, DJ,” Jordan said firmly, her usual assertiveness creeping back into her voice.  He almost managed a genuine smile at it.  He watched as Jordan rested a hand on Perry’s good shoulder and spoke in a low, comforting tone.  “Hey, Per.  It’s me, your favorite ex-wife,” she said, winking at JD.  “We’d all really appreciate it if you could cut the drama queen act and wake up already.  You’re driving JD nuts, you know.”

              JD rolled his eyes.  “What, are you going to _guilt_ him into waking up?”

              “Worth a shot,” Jordan said with a shrug.  “Anyway, Perry, we’re all just holding our breaths until you wake up and start barking orders like your old self.  You’re really going to be a terrible patient, aren’t you?  Probably make Stick cry once or twice for old times’ sake.”

              “All right, Jordan, come on –” JD started, appreciating her efforts, but he liked to think Perry had come a long way since they had first met.  However, she cut him off and frantically waved him over. Without letting his hopes get too high, he stood up and leaned over to see Perry’s eyelids fluttering.  He sucked in a surprised breath.  “Keep talking to him.”

              “Perry?” Jordan said, a little louder.  “Open your eyes, come on.”

              JD felt the slightest stab of jealousy that Jordan had gotten a response out of him, but it was quickly overridden by an overwhelming sense of relief that he seemed to be waking up.  He just needed to see those blue eyes look back at him and he would feel so much better.  He bit his bottom lip, catching it between his teeth as he waited impatiently.

              “That’s it, Perry,” he said quietly, watching the older man intently.  “Open your eyes for us.”

              Little by little, Perry did.  He looked up at Jordan, who gave him a reassuring smile.  “Sure is good to see you, Per,” she said and JD could tell she meant it. 

              Perry’s eyes fell closed again, just for a moment, and he groaned.  The sound, quiet and pitiful, tugged at JD’s heartstrings.  He knew now that Perry could really feel his pain, it would be a long road to recovery. 

              “Perry,” Jordan said, stepping back and gesturing toward JD, on Perry’s other side, “JD’s here.  He’s been going crazy without you, but I don’t think he’ll admit it.”

              JD blushed, but frowned when Perry did not turn his head.  He looked only at Jordan; it was clear in his eyes that he recognized her, but all too soon, his eyes closed once again, and they did not reopen.  Gradually, his face smoothed as he fell back into sleep and JD felt his own face fall.  He knew he shouldn’t take it personally, that Perry was probably just still out of it.  Maybe he should have said something – if Perry had heard his voice, surely he would have responded.  At least he’d woken up, right?

              The silence after Perry went back to sleep was uncomfortable and JD found himself unable to look at Jordan.  He was struggling to keep himself composed.  He wasn’t even sure why he was so upset – he should be thrilled that Perry was showing signs of improvement – but he’d only had eyes for Jordan.  He was determined not to leave the room in case Perry woke up.

              “JD,” Jordan said some time later.

              “I’m fine,” JD said quickly, lowering himself back down in his chair.

              “No, you’re not,” Jordan said bluntly.  “And pretending you are won’t get you anywhere.”

              “Well, what do you want me to say?” JD snapped, looking up at her in frustration.

              Jordan sighed.  “I don’t know,” she muttered.  “Call me later, all right?  Let me know if he stays awake next time.”

              “I will,” JD agreed, resuming chewing on his bottom lip.  “Thanks for stopping by.”

              Jordan said nothing else as she left and JD didn’t look up until she was gone. 

             

              JD kept his eyes on Perry for the majority of the next several hours, putting on a brave face for the few visitors Perry received.  Turk stopped by again on his lunch and brought JD more food, though he could barely stomach it, and Elliot popped her head in every so often to monitor Perry’s condition.  She assured JD it was a good sign that Perry had opened his eyes, but JD already knew that.  He wondered if they were forgetting he was a doctor, too, when she explained to JD that she was going to extubate him.  He knew that was the right step, but she spoke to him as though he was just another scared, confused family member.  Carla dropped in with Izzy, and though they didn’t stay long, he knew she was worrying about him.  He shrugged off the suspicion that she wanted to question him and instead pretended that all was well – or at least as well as it could be.  Even Dr. Kelso made an appearance, albeit a brief and awkward one.

              “Well, sport,” Dr. Kelso said, looking at JD from across Perry’s bed, “I’ll assume you’re planning on taking an extended leave of absence.”

              JD nodded.  “Yeah, I meant to let you know that as soon as possible.  I was going to stop by Ted’s office and fill out the appropriate paperwork, but time just… got away from me.”

              Kelso waved a hand dismissively.  “That can be done later,” he told JD, sounding uncharacteristically sincere.  “I’ll see that your patients are taken care of – well, yours and Perry’s, I suppose.”

              “Thank you, Dr. Kelso,” JD said gratefully.  “I really appreciate it.  I know Perry would, too.”

              Kelso stood up to leave after one final look at Perry.  “Don’t mention it,” he said gruffly.  “And, Dr. Dorian, don’t forget that you need to rest, too.”  With that, he left the room, leaving JD to wonder just how awful he looked that everyone, even _Kelso,_ was telling him to rest.

              JD sighed and made his way into the small bathroom.  He was grateful Perry was in a private room with his own bathroom; it made the whole thing much more convenient.  JD braced his hands on either side of the sink and stared down his reflection in the mirror.  It was true, the bags under his eyes were dark and quite pronounced and his hair lacked its usual volume.  Worst of all was how sad he looked.  It wasn’t something immediately noticeable, but as JD stared back into his own eyes, he saw the devastation in his expression, though he thought he’d been doing a good job of masking it. 

              “Fuck,” he muttered under his breath, hanging his head.  He closed his eyes and inhaled deeply, determined not to lose it, not now.  He didn’t need anyone else to see him crying.  He had to be strong and when the time for Perry to wake up, he’d have to be even stronger then. 

              JD lifted his head and looked back at his reflection once more.  He ran a hand through his hair and took another deep breath before walking back out into Perry’s room.  He knew that even if he didn’t have much of an appetite, he should at least be drinking plenty of water, and he rummaged around in the duffel bag Turk brought him for a bottle of water he knew was in there.  He dropped it when he heard a familiar voice behind him.

              “What are you doing in here?”

              Perry’s voice was rough, and though it was obviously his, it was much different than what JD was used to hearing.  His tone was anything but light and teasing and JD clearly remembered the way Perry would sound when he spoke right after waking up, but this was far more pronounced, due in large part to the breathing tube that had only recently been removed.

              JD turned around swiftly, hardly able to believe that Perry was looking back at him, _talking_ to him.  He smiled softly, unable to help the tears that sprang into his eyes.  This was classic Perry, worrying about JD even when he was the one who was hurt.  “Come on, you don’t have to be worried about me.”

              Perry’s brows furrowed for a moment as he looked up at JD.  “I’m not _worried_ about you, Priscilla,” he said harshly.  “I want to know why the hell you’re in my room.  And why I’m in here in the first place.”

              Instantly, all the blood drained from JD’s face.  Priscilla?  It had been _years_ since he’d heard a girls’ name come out of Perry’s mouth.  In fact, it hadn’t happened since he was an intern.  He had let it slide once, twice, and even a third time, but Perry had picked the wrong day to call him Sheila or Debby or whatever the hell name he’d thrown out on a whim.  JD had rounded on him, in front of what seemed like half the hospital staff, including Dr. Kelso, and said, “I don’t care if you get your jollies by treating me like a piece of shit – hell, you can _call_ me a piece of shit if you want, but _I am not a girl_!”  From that moment on, Perry had never done it again.  JD wasn’t sure if it was because Perry was so surprised by his outburst or genuinely felt bad, but once Perry learned the real reason why JD had been so adamant, he’d apologized more than was strictly necessary.  Telling Perry that he was trans was never something JD had planned on, but after their second date, when it was apparent that things between them were actually _real_ and when JD thought they could really be something together, he’d decided to tell Perry.  It wasn’t something he took lightly, but he trusted Perry, and for his part, Perry never treated him any differently. 

              And now, hearing that name again… It brought JD back to a place that he didn’t care to go to.  And Perry should have known that.  And Perry should have known why he was in the hospital…  _Shit._

              “Uh, Perry,” JD said, clearing his throat and purposely ignoring the look Perry gave him for using his first name, “do you know why you’re here?”

              Perry glared at JD for a moment.  “Obviously not, Princess, or I wouldn’t have said so.  Feel like I got hit by a truck, though.”

              “Mid-sized car, actually,” JD said softly, his eyes dropping to the blanket draped over Perry rather than his face as he twisted the ring on his finger.

              “Just perfect,” Perry muttered.  “Doesn’t answer my question of why _you’re_ in here.”

              JD wasn’t sure what made him lie just then, whether it was panic or fear or a desire to keep from upsetting Perry even more.  “I – I’m just keeping an eye on you, making sure your vitals stay within normal limits.  Your eyes opened for a few minutes a couple hours ago, so we extubated you and – and we just wanted to make sure you handled it okay.”

              Despite the nervousness in JD’s voice, Perry seemed to buy it, though the story was absolute crap.  “What’s this place coming to, making interns babysit?” he grumbled.

              “If you’re okay, I’m just going to go let them know you’re awake,” JD said lamely, hurrying out of the room before Perry could see his tears.

              JD didn’t know where he was going, but found himself outside on the ramp.  It had just started sprinkling and for a moment, he considered going back inside, but then thought better of it.  At least there was no one around to see him break down.  His husband, his _best friend_ for more than six years, didn’t remember him, at least not more than his first couple weeks at the hospital.  He felt sick to his stomach, and immediately his mind went to the worst-case scenario.  What if Perry never regained his memories?  What if he stayed in the frame of mind that JD was nothing more than a clueless nuisance and a burden?  JD knew, without a doubt, that he wouldn’t be able to handle that.  Perry meant everything to him. 

              It wasn’t Perry’s fault, but JD couldn’t help but feel hurt, both by the name-calling and the roughness with which Perry had spoken to him.  And why JD hadn’t told Perry about their relationship, he wasn’t sure.  He shuddered to think what Perry’s reaction would be, learning that his annoying intern was actually his husband of nearly two years.  He leaned over the railing, not caring that he’d soon be soaked by the rain that was falling faster now, and let his tears roll down his cheeks.  He figured if anyone saw him, they wouldn’t know the difference between teardrops and rain.

              It was Turk who found him, soaked to the bone and shaking.  He’d long since stopped his tears from falling, but their absence was filled by an overwhelming sense of emptiness.  JD without Perry wasn’t JD at all. 

              Turk led JD back inside the hospital and brought him to the locker room, where he gave him a clean pair of scrubs to change into and a towel to dry off his hair, which was now hanging limply against his forehead.  JD was sure he must look pathetic, but he silently thanked Turk for not berating him with questions.  He was certain Turk and everyone else already knew about Perry’s condition.  JD felt a stab of guilt.  It didn’t matter that Perry didn’t remember him right now.  They were still married and JD had walked out on him.  He knew if the roles were reversed, Perry wouldn’t have left him.  He would have stayed and explained what was going on.  He should have done the same for Perry.

              “I should go talk to him,” JD finally said once he’d changed into the dry clothes and toweled off his hair. 

              “I’m not sure that’s such a good idea, JD,” Turk said slowly, leaning against the lockers.

              “I can handle it, Turk,” JD sighed.  He knew he _should_ talk to Perry, but going back into his room and actually doing it… well, that was a whole other thing.

              “No, that’s not what I meant,” Turk said, shaking his head.  “He’s pretty pissed off right now.  The whole being stuck in bed thing… He’s not taking it well.”

              JD’s breath caught in his throat and he looked pointedly at the floor.  “Oh,” he whispered.

              Turk frowned.  “I’m so sorry,” he said sadly.  “Do you want to talk about it?”

              JD shook his head.  “No,” he said, his voice quiet yet firm.  “No, I don’t.”

              Turk walked over and sat down next to JD on the bench.  “Come on, dude, you always want to talk about it.  I think you should.”

              “I don’t want to!” JD snapped, though he immediately regretted it.  He took a deep breath before speaking again.  “Turk, I just… I can’t.  My husband doesn’t remember the last six years.  He doesn’t remember _me_ save for a month or two of insults and annoyance.  And if I go back in there, he’s just going to call me a girls’ name and it’ll piss him off even more.  I’m probably better off just going home where I’ll be reminded of him no matter where I look.”

              “Look, JD, I don’t want to sound insensitive, but try to put yourself in Perry’s shoes,” Turk said cautiously.  “Even if he doesn’t remember you, he’s scared and confused.  He knows _something_ is up, but no one will tell him what it is, which is probably just upsetting him more.  And you know that if you and Perry switched places, he wouldn’t leave your side.  I’m not saying that to make you feel guilty, I just think that if you _talk_ to him, explain things, he might calm down.”

              JD closed his eyes for a long moment, his shoulders slumping.  He knew Turk was right – he was practically reading JD’s mind – but that didn’t stop him from being terrified by the prospect.  “And what if he doesn’t?” JD asked softly, fear creeping into his voice.

              “You know better than anyone that Perry’s a giant softie,” Turk said with the smallest of smiles.  “He’s always had a soft spot for you, man, even from the very beginning.  Just go be with him.”

              “How are you always right?” JD asked, looking up at Turk and feeling rather pathetic.

              “It’s easier to be right when it’s not your own life,” Turk said wisely.  “And besides, I don’t think I’ve ever been so invested in someone else’s relationship before, but you and Perry… you’re pretty much perfect together, don’t you think?”

              JD managed to smile.  “Yeah, we kind of are,” he agreed.  “That’s why I’m so freaked out.  I don’t want to lose that.”

              “So let’s go there, then,” Turk said with a shrug.  “Let’s say he _doesn’t_ regain his memories, or is still missing large chunks.  There’s no _way_ he wouldn’t fall in love with you again.  You guys are meant to be.”

              “Dude,” JD sniffed, wiping at his eyes, “when’d you get so smart?”

              Turk chuckled and patted JD’s back.  “I’ve always been this smart,” he said proudly.  “You just never listened to me before.”

              “Yeah, yeah,” JD muttered, leaning into Turk for a half-hug.  “Thanks, C-Bear.”

              “Go get him, tiger,” Turk said warmly, watching as JD pushed himself up off the bench.  “He’s still Perry.”

              _Still Perry._ Turk’s words played over and over in his head as JD made his way back up to the ICU.  He was still Perry, even beneath all the cuts and bruises, the I.V.s and monitors, and most importantly, the insults and bad temper.  JD took a deep breath to steel himself as he pushed open the door to Perry’s room and slipped inside.

              “Hi,” he said sheepishly when he spotted Perry looking at him.  He walked over to the chair where he’d been spending the majority of his time lately and sat down, though he didn’t let himself get comfortable.  “How are you feeling?”

              “Never better,” Perry said sarcastically.  “According to Carla, I’m lucky to be alive and I should act like it.”

              “C-Carla?” JD asked, surprised.  “She was in here?”

              “Just left a few minutes ago,” Perry told him.  “She told me what happened and that you haven’t left my side since they brought me in here.”

              JD felt a blush spread over his cheeks, but he forced himself to stay strong.  “There’s some things I need to tell you,” he said, looking Perry in the eye.

              Perry arched an eyebrow.  “Yeah?  Like what?”

              “I’m sure you’re… aware of your injuries,” JD started slowly, “but you also hit your head pretty hard.  Thankfully, you didn’t fracture your skull, but there was some swelling…”

              Perry watched JD intently.  “Come on, Newbie, out with it.”

              “You’re missing the last six years,” JD said quietly.  He bit his lower lip and tasted blood again.  He _had_ to stop doing that.  “A – a lot’s happened since then.”

              Perry stared at JD for a long, uncomfortable time, and JD found himself unable to look away.  “What am I missing?” he finally asked, his voice much more subdued than usual.

              “I – I don’t know where to start,” JD said timidly, once again fidgeting with his wedding ring without realizing he was doing so.  It was probably a good thing that he didn’t typically wear it at work, otherwise he’d be fumbling with it all the time.  “Six years is a long time –”

              “Goddamn it, Sheila,” Perry interjected, sounding frustrated and more than a little scared.  “Just tell me, would you?”

              “Perry, please don’t call me that,” JD said, shutting his eyes for a moment.

“ _Perry_?  Is that what’s happened?  I let you call me by my first name?” Perry asked incredulously.

              JD looked back at Perry and found himself growing angry.  “You know, this is hard for me, too!” he said in annoyance.

              “Oh, yeah, I’m sure you know _exactly_ how I’m feeling,” Perry said scathingly.

              “Well, it’s not exactly a walk in the park seeing your husband lying unconscious in a hospital bed for a day and a half,” JD spat, crossing his arms as he sat back in his chair.  He didn’t even care – much – that he’d just told Perry what he’d missed in such a cavalier way.

              “What the hell did you just say?” Perry asked slowly, staring at JD with an unreadable expression.

              “You heard me,” JD replied, though much less confidently.  He felt like squirming under Perry’s intense gaze.  It was strange, feeling so removed from the man he’d been inseparable from for most of his time at Sacred Heart. 

              “You mean to tell me that you and I are _married_?” Perry asked, glancing down at his own ring and then over to JD’s left hand, which bore the ring to match it. 

              JD nodded.  “It’ll be two years next month,” he said softly, his anger dissipating.  He couldn’t be mad at Perry; he knew that Perry was only upset because he was scared and confused.  In fact, he was handling himself pretty well as far as JD was concerned.  And what was the point of marriage if not to forgive?  “We’ve been together for a lot longer, though.”

              Perry let out a stunned breath, continuing to look down at his wedding ring.  He said nothing and JD wasn’t sure what to make of it.

              “I know it’s a lot to take in,” JD said gently, leaning forward in his chair with his arms still wrapped around himself.  “And given your memories of me – of us – it probably doesn’t seem all that likely, but I wouldn’t lie to you, Perry.”

              “All right, did Kelso put you up to this?” Perry asked suddenly.  “I bet you just _jumped_ at the opportunity to pretend you and I were _married._ You almost had me convinced, I’ll give you that.  _Very_ impressive work.  Bet this was almost too much for your little heart, the thought that you might get to pull a fast one on old Dr. Cox.  Well, newsflash, Felicia, I’m not that stupid and you’re not that good an actor.  Now get the hell out of my room.”

              JD swore his heart broke just then.  Seeing Perry for the first time, lying on that hospital bed, looking so broken, was nothing compared to how he was feeling now.  Logically, he knew Perry didn’t really mean this, or at least the Perry he _knew_ wouldn’t have meant it, but that had little effect on his emotions.  With every insult, every name, every _glare,_ JD felt himself growing smaller and smaller, to the point where he felt totally insignificant.  Pushing down the tears that threatened to fall, he stood.

              “Let me know if you change your mind,” he said, voice wavering as he headed toward the door.

              He didn’t look back to see if Perry was watching him.  The disdain in his eyes would have been too much to bear.  Despite what Turk had said to JD to get his confidence up, JD had never felt lower.  His own husband _hated_ him, or was at the very least so deep in denial that he was using anger to cover up any fear or vulnerability.  There was no reasoning with him, at least not until he calmed down.  Knowing Perry, that could take a lot longer than one might think.

              “Hey, Bambi,” Carla said gently, sidling up to JD as he walked away from Perry’s room.  “How’s he doing?  Wait, JD, what’s wrong?”

              “Carla, no offense, but I’d really like to be alone right now,” JD said, keeping his head down.

              “Well, all right,” Carla said slowly, making it clear she wanted to do anything _but_ leave JD alone.  “Call me if you need anything.”

              JD didn’t answer.  He hurried out into the parking lot, to his car, grateful he’d put his wallet and keys in his pocket, more out of habit than anything else.  The drive back to the apartment he and Perry shared was completely silent; he refused to shed any more tears – that was, of course, until he could bury his face into the pillows that would still smell like Perry and when no one else would be able to hear him.

              Moving slowly, he unlocked the front door and stepped inside.  He hadn’t been home since the accident and no amount of mental preparation was enough to make it any easier.  He took a deep breath and looked around the large living room.  Everything reminded him of Perry, and how could it not?  They’d lived here for the majority of the time they’d been together – they hadn’t wasted any time in moving in together once they figured out how well they worked as a couple.  JD was surprised to find that he didn’t feel any of the panic that usually surrounded a major event in his life or a relationship that he’d come to expect.  Moving in with Perry had felt right and from that first night together onward, he hadn’t looked back.

              Until now.

              He took a few steps into the apartment and was greeted by their cat, a calico that JD’d adopted on his way home from work several years prior.  And it hadn’t been so much ‘adopting’ as rescuing, given that he’d found her crying in an alley a few blocks down from the hospital.  She had no collar, and, after checking with the local shelters, he’d found out she had no microchip either.  It hadn’t required much begging on JD’s part to keep her, given that even the slightest bit of his lower lip sticking out in a pout had Perry agreeing to pretty much anything, but Perry hadn’t exactly been thrilled about the idea.  But after a few months, it wasn’t uncommon to see him carrying Lydia around on his shoulder as though it was completely normal.

              Lydia rubbed up against JD’s leg and meowed insistently as if to ask where the hell he’d been.  He watched as she meandered over to the front door and sat down as if expecting Perry to walk in any moment.  _Damn it._

              JD reached down and scooped the cat up, holding her to his chest.  She began to purr as she rubbed her head on the underside of JD’s chin.  “I know,” he murmured, closing his eyes.  “I want him home, too.”

              Moments later, as per usual, Lydia began to squirm, so JD set her down.  He forced himself to walk further into the apartment despite Perry’s absence glaring back at him wherever he looked.  He didn’t let his eyes wander to the pictures they had hanging on the walls, the ones that showed the two of them, their friends, and even one with Dan because it turned out that family wasn’t _all_ bad.  JD focused on refilling Lydia’s food and water dishes, which it appeared Turk had already done when he’d picked up some of JD’s things.  Still, JD was grateful to have something to do, something that he could focus on, even if for a short time.  When he finished and set the dishes back down, Lydia brushed up against him again and meowed up at him as if to thank him.  He bent down to pet her briefly before straightening up and heading for their bedroom.

              He did not turn on the light.  Doing so would only highlight the emptiness of the room.  In the dark, it was much easier to pretend that Perry would return home soon.  Maybe it was just another night where Perry had told JD not to wait up for him, that he was working late, but JD seldom listened.  He liked being able to talk to Perry, even if it was only for a little while before they both fell asleep.  As much as JD wanted to pretend that was the case, the crippling ache in his chest told him differently.  All he could was cling to the hope that Perry would soon remember their life together and that the only hurdle in front of them would be his recovery.

              JD toed off his shoes but didn’t bother changing into something more comfortable than jeans before he climbed into their king-sized bed.  Sure enough, it still smelled like Perry.  He closed his eyes and hugged one of Perry’s pillows to his chest and breathed in, thinking that this was as close as he was going to get to cuddling him for a very long time.  The thought terrified him.  He knew that he should stay positive, that this was most likely temporary and that Perry would soon remember everything, but he couldn’t push away the nagging voice in the back of his mind that wondered whether Perry would regain his memories at all.  The prospect of starting over was as devastating as it was frightening, and until Perry calmed down and really believed JD was telling him the truth, it seemed impossible.

              The thing JD longed for the most was simple.  He just wanted to hear Perry say that he loved him.  He’d never wanted to hear it so badly and now he had to face the idea that he might not hear it for a long time.  Perry would come around though, he had to.  Maybe Carla could talk some sense into him, maybe even Jordan.  Jordan, who he’d promised he would call when Perry woke up.  JD sighed and reached into his pocket, still clinging to Perry’s pillow with his other arm.  He searched through his contacts and selected Jordan’s number and put his phone to his ear.

              “Is everything all right?” Jordan answered roughly.

              JD had to smile.  At least something was normal.  “Well, that depends on your definition of ‘all right,’” he quipped.

              “What is that supposed to mean?”

              JD sighed again.  “Perry’s awake, but there were some complications from his head injury.”

              “What sort of complications?  Stop talking in riddles and just tell me what’s going on.”

              “He doesn’t remember the last six years.  He only knows me as an annoying intern and when I tried to explain what he was missing, he thought I was trying to trick him or something, like Kelso put me up to it.  He doesn’t believe that we’re married.”

              “Leave it to Perry to be dramatic about the whole thing,” Jordan muttered, but JD could tell she was worried.  “He’ll get his memories back, won’t he?”

              JD hugged the pillow a little tighter.  “We don’t have any way of knowing that,” he said quietly.  “We can just hope for the best.”

              “You’re a doctor,” Jordan said, sounding annoyed with JD.  “You’re telling me there’s nothing you can do but _hope_?”

              “Don’t you think that if there was a way for me to make his memories come back, I’d be doing it right now?” JD asked incredulously.  “I mean, Jesus, Jordan, he won’t even let me in his fucking room!”  Before JD knew it, tears began to well up in his eyes and a sob rose in his throat.  “Damn it,” he muttered, unable to believe that he was breaking down to _Jordan_ of all people.

              “Where are you?” Jordan asked after a pause.

              “At the apartment,” JD mumbled.  “I’m fine.  Really.  I just – he didn’t want to see me – and I didn’t know where else to go.”

              “I’m coming over,” Jordan told him, her tone making it clear that she wasn’t going to let him argue.

              “Fine,” JD said, defeated.  “You have a key.  I can’t stop you.”

              “You’re right,” Jordan agreed.  “I’ll be there in a few.”

              She hung up before JD could say anything else.  Despite knowing that Jordan would be there soon, he couldn’t bring himself to leave the bed, not with it being such a concrete reminder of Perry.  He hugged the pillow tighter to his chest and let his tears fall, knowing that Jordan probably wouldn’t put up with waterworks of any kind.  JD could tell that she was concerned about Perry, though she showed it in her own unique way.  However, trying to shoulder the weight of anyone’s worries or concerns about Perry was proving to be next to impossible for JD when he was barely dealing with it himself.

              Twenty minutes later, Jordan had let herself into the apartment and found JD still in bed, though his tears had dried by then.  He was sure he must look miserable if Jordan’s softened expression was any indication.

              “Hey,” he said halfheartedly, making no move to actually get out of bed.

              “Come on,” Jordan insisted, patting the end of the bed, though her tone was gentler than JD was used to hearing.  “Get up, JD.”

              “Least one of you calls me by my real name,” JD said under his breath.

              “What do you mean?” Jordan asked as JD sat up, though he didn’t want to leave the pillow.  “What’d he call you?”

              “If memory serves, I believe it was ‘Priscilla’ and ‘Sheila,’” JD said flatly.  “Oh, and Felicia.”

              Jordan’s expression darkened for a second, but it was gone as quickly as it had come.  “Well, we’re going to get him to remember,” she said confidently.

              “Oh yeah?” JD asked skeptically.  “Did you go to medical school and learn something I didn’t?”

              Jordan rolled her eyes and grabbed JD’s arm, pulling him up off the bed.  “No, but I’ve got an idea.  You keep photo albums, yeah?”

              “Yeah, but I don’t see what that has to do with anything…”

              “I figure if you show him those pictures, it might help jog his memory,” Jordan said with a shrug.  “Anything that’s significant to him or to the both of you.  We’re bringing the cat, too.”

              “Jordan, we can’t bring a cat into the hospital.”

              “I’m on the board,” Jordan reminded him.  “I can do whatever the hell I want.  Bob doesn’t even have to know.”

              “Come on, this isn’t going to help him,” JD said as he crossed his arms.  “If by some miracle he _does_ let me back into his room, he’s not going to want to sit and look at photo albums.  He doesn’t even do that with me when he remembers we’re married.”

              “Look, I’ve known Perry a lot longer than you,” Jordan said, keeping her voice level, “and that’s not to say that you don’t know him well, because you do, but if there’s one thing I _do_ know about Perry, it’s that he hates losing control.  And this… Well, this is just about the least amount of control he’s ever had over anything before.  He’ll never admit it, or at least not right now, but I’ll bet he’s scared as hell, sitting in that hospital bed with god knows what injuries.  He won’t want to let you in, both figuratively and literally, but he will if you try hard enough.  He needs you, JD, whether he knows it or not.”

              JD looked down at the floor.  Was that really what Perry was going through right now?  The odds that Jordan was right were pretty good, now that he thought about it.  It was just like Perry to be stubborn and prideful, even in a situation like this.  Unprecedented though it was, JD’d seen him act similarly at other times in their relationship.  JD thought back to when Ben had died.  Perry had been like a robot in the few days between Ben’s passing and his funeral.  He’d acted as though nothing had happened and spent far too long at the hospital, working harder than he ever had.  JD was mourning, too, but had pushed aside his own grief in an attempt to be more emotionally available for Perry.  To his shock, Perry had pushed him away at first, especially right after Ben’s funeral.  It wasn’t until several days later – nearly a week – that Perry had finally broken down and let JD take care of him.  His husband was hard-headed and determined to a fault in the face of any sort of adversity.  JD had always thought it took enormous strength for Perry to be that way, but he’d started to realize that it took even more strength for Perry to admit that he was hurting or scared or sad, whatever the case was.  _This_ would be the true test of Perry’s strength.

              “Okay,” JD finally said after emerging from his thoughts.  He looked back up at Jordan and nodded.  “I’ll get the photo albums.  You get the cat.”

 

* * *

 

              “Jordan, if Kelso sees Lydia, he’s going to freak out,” JD said breathlessly.  He was carrying the stack of photo albums and hoping he didn’t drop them.  They were tucked under his chin and he’d started panting before they’d even gotten into the hospital.  “These things are really heavy.”

              “Quit whining, DJ,” Jordan retorted.  “If your cat’s claws ruin my sweater, Kelso will be the last thing you have to worry about.”

              “She doesn’t like small spaces,” JD shot back, glancing at the sizeable bulge in Jordan’s shirt.  “Could you be a little more obvious with her?”

              “It was either hide her under my jacket or walk in with the damn cat carrier.  Which is more conspicuous, huh?”

              JD rolled his eyes.  “Quiet down, we’re almost there,” he muttered.

              As they turned the corner around the nurses’ station and into the ICU, JD very nearly walked into Carla, who seemed to pop out of nowhere, though it might’ve been the stack of albums that concealed her.

              “Uh, what’s going on, Bambi?” Carla asked slowly, doing a double-take at Jordan’s shirt.  “Jordan.”

              “Carla, it’s been a pleasure, really,” Jordan said, her voice dripping with sarcasm, “but DJ here and I are on official business, so if you’ll excuse us…”

              “If you’re going to see Perry, he’s not in his room,” Carla informed them, and JD nearly dropped the photo albums.

              “What?” JD asked, his eyes going wide.  “Why?  Is he okay?  Did something happen?”

              “Take a _breath_ ,” Carla said calmly.  “Don’t you think I would have called you if it was something serious?  They just took him down for imaging.  Neurologist’s orders.  They want to make sure there’s no abnormalities in his brain.  They don’t think it’s anything other than amnesia caused by the trauma, but they’re covering all their bases.”

              JD let out a breath.  “Oh,” he said weakly.  “Well, I guess we’ll just go wait in his room, then.  At least I won’t have to beg him to let me in this way…”

              Carla gave him a sympathetic look.  “He’ll remember soon, JD,” she told him, patting his arm.  “Go on in.”

              JD glanced over at Jordan.  “Go ahead,” he said, gesturing for her to go to Perry’s room.  She did, and soon JD was left alone with Carla, still juggling the albums.  “Um, so… did you get a chance to talk to him after I left?”

              Carla nodded.  “Yeah, I went in there and we talked for a while before the neurologist came,” she told JD.  “I think I had him convinced that you were telling the truth, but he’s still confused.  And scared, I think.  I’ve never really seen him like that before, you know?”

              “Yeah,” JD said softly.  “I know.  It’s weird.  He’s always so… confident and self-assured.  Even with me.  We both know where we stand with each other, no matter what happens.  Seeing him struggle like that, not knowing what’s really going on and who he can trust… it breaks my heart.”

              “Mine, too,” Carla agreed.  “But once he remembers, I’m sure he’ll be grateful that you’re sticking by him even though it’s hard for you, too.  You’re a good husband, JD.”

              JD managed a genuine smile, even if it was a small one.  “Thanks, Carla.  You know, for everything.  And tell Turk thanks, too.  He won’t let me say it anymore, but tell him anyway.”

              “You got it,” Carla chuckled.  “Go on, he shouldn’t be too much longer.”

              By sheer force of will, JD got the door open to Perry’s room with just his pinkie finger and some muttered curses as he juggled the stack of photo albums that he swore increased in weight the longer he held them.  Gratefully, he set them down on the floor next to the chair he’d spent most of his time in, pleased to see Jordan sitting in his old chair near the window with Lydia stretched out happily on the windowsill.  She meowed at him in greeting, her tail swishing contentedly.

              “You really think this’ll work?” JD asked, lowering himself into the chair as he tried to regain feeling in his arms.

              “I think it’s worth a shot at the very least,” Jordan said with a shrug.  “Might make him feel a little more normal.”

              “I’m just worried that if I show all of this to him, he’ll be hard on himself for not remembering,” JD sighed.  “It’s not anything he can control, which will upset him even more…”

              “That’s just something he’s going to have to work through,” Jordan said matter-of-factly.  “There are things in life you can’t control.  This is one of those things.”

              “It’s a pretty big thing,” JD mumbled.  “And you and I both know that telling him that isn’t going to make him any more agreeable to the idea.”

              “Okay, one thing at a time,” Jordan said firmly.  “You can’t go worrying about the next five steps when you haven’t even gotten through the first one.  Take each thing as it comes.”

              “Since when are you such an expert?” JD asked, vaguely annoyed with all of Jordan’s preaching, even if he was grateful for her help.  “All of this is a lot easier said than done, you know.”

              “I know that,” Jordan hissed.  “But pissing and moaning about it isn’t going to get you anywhere either.”

              JD closed his eyes, turning his head away from Jordan.  He knew she was right, but Jesus, couldn’t she show a little sympathy?  This was, without a doubt, the biggest thing that had ever happened to him, perhaps apart from actually marrying Perry, and she was talking like it was just a minor bump in the road.  Nothing about this was minor.

              “Jordan, I think you should go,” JD said after a long pause.  “I need some time to think.  Thanks for all your help.”

              Before Jordan could respond, or even open her mouth to do so, the door opened and two orderlies and Perry’s neurologist made their way into the room with Perry’s bed in tow.  His eyes were closed and his face was quite pale and tense.  It was obvious he was in pain.

              “Has anyone given him another dose of pain medication?” JD asked immediately as Perry’s bed was wheeled into place.

              “He’s on the maximum dosage, Dr. Dorian,” Dr. Michaels said, extending his hand for JD to shake.  “Believe me, we’re doing all we can for him.”

              JD watched Perry worriedly for a few moments before shaking the doctor’s hand.  “So, did you learn anything from the scan?”

              “Apart from a little swelling, which isn’t giving us any cause for concern at the moment, there’s no brain damage,” Dr. Michaels told him.  “There’s no reason Dr. Cox shouldn’t make a full recovery, though, as you know, there’s no real protocol when it comes to amnesia.  I’m afraid I can’t give you a timeline for anything other than his physical injuries.”

              JD nodded, grateful to hear that Perry’s brain hadn’t suffered any lasting damage.  “Thank you,” he said sincerely, looking down at his husband and almost forgetting for a moment that Perry hardly recognized him.

              “Do you have any further questions for me?” Dr. Michaels asked, making a note on Perry’s chart before sliding it into the holder at the foot of his bed. 

              “None right now,” JD said, shaking his head.  “I’ll let you know if I think of something.”

              “You know where to find me,” he agreed, shaking JD’s hand once more and giving Jordan a nod before he left the room.

              JD let out a long breath, sitting back down on the edge of his chair.  Perry’s brain was okay.  That was a good sign – a _great_ one.  Maybe the photo albums would work...

              Lydia’s loud meow broke JD out of his thoughts and he smiled fondly at her as she jumped gracefully down from the windowsill and up onto Perry’s bed.  She sniffed his right hand and licked it a few times as if to say hello before curling up on Perry’s stomach, purring contentedly.

              Perry stirred a few moments later, opening his eyes and looking blearily down at the mass of fur atop him.  “What…?” he mumbled, his voice scratchy.  “Who – ?”

              “Hi, Perry,” JD said softly, careful to keep his voice low and soothing.  “Jordan and I brought you some presents.  That’s Lydia, our cat.”

              Perry turned his head toward JD, his eyes darting between him and Jordan.  “Surprised Jordan didn’t eat it,” he said dryly.

              Jordan grinned and even JD couldn’t hold back a soft laugh.  “She had a goat earlier,” he teased.

              Lydia brushed her head against Perry’s left hand, which was resting on his chest, his arm held in place by the sling.  Hesitantly, Perry moved his fingers, stroking the top of the cat’s head.  She purred louder and Perry seemed suddenly much more calm.  JD was glad for that, even if he didn’t remember that she was _his_ cat.

              “How are you feeling, Perry?” Jordan asked, scooting her chair closer to Perry’s bed.

              Perry did not take his eyes off Lydia, continuing to pet her.  “Feel like I got hit by a car,” he said quietly.  “Aches and pains and everything in between.”

              “Is there anything we can do to make you more comfortable?” JD asked, torn between feeling happy that Perry seemed more calm than earlier and worrying that his husband was in pain.

              Perry shook his head.  “Don’t think so, Newbie,” he said, though there was little of the fondness in his tone that JD was accustomed to hearing when Perry used that nickname.  He wasn’t being cold, at least not obviously so, but it was clear that despite Carla talking to him, Perry was not yet on-board with their being married.

              “Maybe a distraction might help,” Jordan offered, gesturing toward the photo albums.  “I was going to go grab a bite to eat anyway.  I’ll stop by later.  Good seeing you, Per.”

              Perry glanced up at Jordan as she left, pausing to pat Perry’s good leg, and JD felt a tension so heavy settle over them that it weighed upon his chest, making his breathing quicken.  “Uh, so, I brought some of our photo albums,” he said, picking one up at random.  “Do you want to look at them?”

              Perry’s gaze shifted from Lydia up to JD and he studied him for a moment or two.  “I was actually thinking I could ask you some questions,” he finally replied, his tone conversational, though it seemed he was choosing his words carefully.

              “Of course,” JD said quickly, eager to answer anything Perry wanted.  “Ask away.  Please.”

              Perry did not stop petting Lydia – JD realized that she had been Jordan’s best idea by far.  She was something from home, even if Perry didn’t remember her, but she also served to calm him just by doing what she always did.  There was hardly a time when JD and Perry were cuddled up on the couch that Lydia wasn’t close by, either on Perry’s lap or right next to him.

              “You and I,” Perry said slowly.  “I just… how the hell did it happen?  Don’t take this the wrong way, kid, but from where I’m sitting, it seems pretty unlikely that we’d ever be a couple, let alone… you know.”

              JD forced a small smile and nodded.  “Yeah, I know it does,” he said ruefully.  “It just sort of happened at the end of my first year here.  I came to you for help with a patient – we were trying to get him approved for surgery and needed you to run interference with Kelso.  And you just… agreed.  You didn’t chew me out or call me names.  You actually said, and this is a direct quote if you can believe it, ‘The simple fact that you actually seem to give a crap is the reason I took an interest in you to begin with.  It’s why I trust you as a doctor.  Hell, it’s… it’s why I trust you as a person.’”

              Perry blinked at JD, not seeming overly shocked, but surprised nonetheless.  “I don’t remember that,” he said, his brows furrowing.  “It – it sounds… familiar, like I’ve heard it before?  But I don’t have any memory of saying it or being there for it…  It’s like it’s just out of reach.”

              JD resisted the urge to take Perry’s hand.  “That’s okay,” he said gently.  “You’ll get there, Perry.  It’s a great sign that it seems familiar to you.”

              “Tell me more,” Perry said, watching JD closely.  “I want the whole story.”

              “Okay,” JD said, happy to oblige, and from there on out, he couldn’t quite keep a smile off his face as he relived the story of their first date.  “Well, after you said that, I thought you might be dying, but you told me you’d started seeing a new shrink.  I’m pretty sure that was a joke.  Anyway, I tried to thank you for helping me so much over the past year, but you didn’t seem to want to hear it.  Course, I didn’t really care that you didn’t want to, I just kept going and I offered to take you out to dinner.  And at first I thought I must’ve been dreaming, but you agreed.  I thought for sure that you were just yanking my chain, that you wouldn’t actually show up, but there you were, that evening, outside this restaurant that you said was to die for –”

              “Mistral,” Perry interjected, his face impassive.

              JD smiled encouragingly.  “That’s right,” he said, impressed.  “You remember?”

              “Just the restaurant,” Perry told him.  “I remember eating there a few times, before you ever came along.”

              “Oh, right,” JD said quickly, feeling a little embarrassed.  “Uh, anyway, we ate and talked for _ages_ , though the night sort of flew by.  I couldn’t believe how different you were outside of the hospital.  You smiled a lot more and even cracked a couple jokes.  I had expected it to be so awkward, but it wasn’t, not at all.  By the time we left, I finally realized that it had been an actual date.  When we walked out, you had your hand on my back and all I can remember thinking is ‘oh my god, I just went on a date with my attending.’”  JD laughed nervously then.  “We stopped when we got to your car and you turned to look at me and I just… knew.”

              “Knew?” Perry repeated, his voice much softer than before.  “What did you know?”

              “I knew that, even if what we had crashed and burned, I wanted to be with you.  I didn’t care that people would talk about us or that it didn’t seem like we should be a good fit.  I made my choice right then and there, that I would stick by you even if things got rough, even if everyone was against us.  I believed in you then, Perry, and I still believe in you now.  This is just a – a bump in the road.  A big bump, sure, but if there’s anyone who can make it through, it’s us.”

              Perry studied JD’s face after his speech, his eyes flickering from his eyes to his soft smile and back again.  “Guess if you really wanted to show me those photo albums now, you could,” he said, and for a second, JD could have sworn he saw the hint of a smile on Perry’s face.

              JD grinned and picked an album at random and flipped it open.  “Oh, these are great,” he said wistfully, looking at the pictures on the first page.  He propped the album up so both he and Perry could see the pictures.  “These are from a few years ago, not too long after we got engaged.  You and me, Turk and Carla, and Elliot and Sean took a weekend trip to the coast.  See this one?  Turk and I buried ourselves in the sand.”

              Perry arched an eyebrow.  “So, you and Gandhi haven’t changed much from what I remember,” he commented.

              “I guess not,” JD chuckled, feeling more light-hearted.  “When he and I get together, we pretty much turn into five-year-olds, even now.  You and Carla usually just sit back and roll your eyes.”

              “Now _that_ sounds like something I can believe,” Perry said, nodding.  “Keep going, then.”

              JD flipped the page and the next set of pictures made his heart swell with affection.  “These are my favorite,” he said softly, a hint of nostalgia in his tone.  He showed Perry the photos, all of them various shots of just the two of them near the water.  One showed them walking hand in hand along the edge of the water, silhouetted against the sunset.  The next several were of them sitting in the sand near Elliot and Sean.  Perry had his arms wrapped around JD from behind and they were both laughing.  Perry’s eyes were crinkled and his head was tossed back as he laughed.  JD ached to relive that, but even now, it was a good memory to have.

              “Wow,” Perry said softly, breaking JD out of his thoughts.  He looked up to see an actual smile on Perry’s face, which gave him a tremendous amount of hope.  “Looks like we’ve had a lot of fun.”

              JD grinned.  “It’s never been boring, Per,” he said honestly, looking back down at the pictures once again.  “I’ve _never_ been bored with you.”

              Perry made a small sound of acknowledgement as he shifted in his bed as much as he could between the cat on his chest and his injuries.  JD’s grinned slipped as he watched Perry frown and wince several times in the process.  He set the album aside and moved forward.

              “Let me help,” he said gently, reaching for nothing in particular, as he didn’t know what he could really do to make things easier on Perry.

              “I’m fine,” Perry snapped, holding up his good hand.  In an instant, the softer, more amicable Perry JD had just been speaking to was gone and he was replaced by the blunt, frustrated Dr. Cox.

              JD sat back and held his hands up in surrender.  “Sorry,” he sighed.  He knew he shouldn’t take Perry’s reaction so personally, but it was hard to separate _this_ Perry from the one he knew and very much loved and missed.  “I just hate seeing you like this is all.”

              “Well, geez, Newbie, I’m sorry this is so tough on you,” Perry muttered, his tone dripping with resentment.  “I’m not exactly having the time of my goddamned life either, in case you hadn’t noticed.”

              JD took a deep breath, forcing himself not to snap back, not to say something he would later regret.  “Would you like me to leave?” he asked, composing his face into a mask of calmness, reflecting none of the emotion he was feeling inside.

              “I don’t care what you do,” Perry replied, his gaze boring holes in JD.  It was a simple statement, but it affected JD deeply.  Still, he refused to let Perry see just how much of a toll this was taking on him, because when it came down to it, it was _Perry_ who had been in an accident.  It was Perry who had lost his memories and it was Perry who was bedridden and surely in much more pain than he was letting on.  JD was just the grieving husband behind it all.

              “Fine,” JD said emotionlessly.  “I’ll head home for the night.”  He moved forward to pick Lydia up, but Perry grabbed his wrist.

              “The cat stays,” he said, and it was clear that he wasn’t going to argue.

              JD tried not to think about how silent, how lonely the apartment would be without Lydia there with him.  Even if she couldn’t talk, she was still a comforting presence and served to remind JD of what their lives had been like just two days prior.  “Lydia,” he said quietly.  “That’s her name.  I’ll drop off some food for her.  And a litter box.  Don’t tell Kelso.”

              Perry nodded.  He didn’t seem to notice the emptiness in JD’s voice, or if he did, he didn’t care.  “That’ll be good,” Perry responded, running his fingers through Lydia’s fur once again.  If she made Perry feel better, then JD would suck it up and spend his first night alone since Perry’s accident.

              JD wasn’t sure if he should say anything more before he left.  He suddenly felt very awkward, like he shouldn’t be in Perry’s room at all.  He pushed aside the thought as he moved the albums off to the side, out of the way, along with his duffel bag of things, which he planned on leaving in Perry’s room just in case he should be allowed to spend the night at some point.  He held onto the hope that he would be despite all signs pointing to the opposite. 

              “I’ll be back soon with Lydia’s things,” he said when he was standing at the foot of Perry’s bed, inching toward the door, though he wished he could stay.

              Perry’s only acknowledgement that JD had spoken was a cold nod.  He didn’t even look up at JD, who shivered as he walked out into the ICU.  There was some commotion down by one of the beds in the open bay and he heard someone calling for a crash cart.  He shuddered to think that that could have easily been Perry.  At least his husband was still alive.  JD knew that even if Perry never remembered their time together, his accident could have had a much, much worse outcome.

              Luckily, JD didn’t run into anyone on his way out to his car.  He planned on going home, gathering up everything Lydia would need, which wasn’t much as she seemed to be perfectly content lying on Perry’s chest, heading back to the hospital to drop off said supplies, and then going home for the night, where he would finally be able to rest.  Or try to rest.

              That was what he did.  He didn’t care that he was bound to get strange looks, carrying in a litter box and a dish of cat food, but everyone at the hospital already thought he was strange.  He wasn’t denying that, but he figured everyone would be less likely to call him out on it given the recent circumstances.  And he was right.  As he strode back into the hospital and made his way up to the ICU, he garnered plenty of double-takes and confused looks, but no one stopped him.  He opened Perry’s door and found the room dark apart from the dim lamp beside his bed.  He was extra quiet just in case Perry was sleeping, and from across the room, he couldn’t quite tell if he was.  Lydia meowed softly at him as he set her litter box and food in the bathroom.  At least it wouldn’t be in the way there, seeing as Perry wouldn’t be leaving his bed for quite a while.

              JD sighed to himself as he filled up Lydia’s water dish.  Even if Perry did start to regain his memory, he still had such a long road to recovery.  It was no secret that Perry didn’t like being vulnerable, though he’d gotten better with it over the years, at least with JD.  They were able to have the deep, serious talks about their relationship that had given them trouble in the beginning.  It was for that reason that JD had no qualms about marrying Perry; he would have done it anyway, but Perry had really worked on certain aspects of himself that JD might have been a little more worried about.  But now they were back to square one, essentially, until Perry remembered.  And even then, JD was absolutely certain that the accident would have lasting effects, both physically and mentally, on Perry.  He was worried that Perry wouldn’t want to discuss those effects, whether they were nightmares or aches and pains or, heaven forbid, _fear._ Perry didn’t like being afraid either.  Fear equaled vulnerability.  Perry wasn’t afraid of anything, or so it seemed.  JD knew that wasn’t true, that Perry had a lot of fears, but he fought not to let those fears win.  Something told him that mind over matter wasn’t going to be enough in a situation like this.

              JD shook off his thoughts, at least for the moment, and walked out of the bathroom and back into Perry’s room.  Sure enough, as he got closer to the bed, it became apparent that Perry was fast asleep.  JD smiled softly.  Like this, he looked like the same old Perry, save for the bruises on his face and the bandage wrapped around his head.  JD hoped Perry’s head healed soon – he didn’t like not being able to card his fingers through his thick curls or brush the hair off his forehead so he could kiss it.  As if Perry would ever let him do that with the way things were now.

              After several minutes of watching Perry, the ache JD felt to be in bed with Perry, lying right next to him was becoming unbearable.  JD caught his bottom lip between his teeth, thinking for a moment that maybe he could, just for a little while.  Perry wouldn’t even wake and he wouldn’t have to know, but he pushed away the thought.  He didn’t want to overstep his boundaries or upset Perry on the off chance he woke up.  He would have to wait to feel Perry’s arms around him, feel his lips against pressing against his own, feel the slow but steady rise and fall of Perry’s chest with each breath he took. 

              “Goodnight, Perry,” JD whispered, and by sheer force of will, he did not kiss Perry, nor did he touch him.  He gave Lydia a quick pat on the head and stole one last glance at Perry’s sleeping face before leaving the room.  He closed the door behind him and leaned against it, his eyes closing as he concentrated on taking some deep breaths. 

              “Oh, Bambi,” came Carla’s voice, softer and gentler than he was used to.  By the time he’d opened his eyes, Carla’s hand was resting on his arm. 

              “Hey,” JD said softly, knowing that she would understand if he couldn’t force a smile for her.  “You got a second?”

              “Got more than a second for you,” Carla said, smiling at him with an understanding that he realized wasn’t pity.  Every time he walked through the halls, all he got was looks of pity.  He was more grateful for Carla than she even knew.  “Let’s go to the lounge.”

              JD hadn’t been in the lounge since the day of the accident, when they’d been waiting for Perry to come out of surgery.  He felt a little uncomfortable, sitting down on the couch in much the same spot he’d been for a large part of that day.  He hugged his knees to his chest and looked over at Carla as she sat down next to him.

              “How’re you holding up?” Carla asked, fixing him with a look that told him he’d better be honest.

              He didn’t even think about lying to Carla.  “Fucking terrified,” JD admitted with a weak laugh as he ran a hand through his hair.  “Sad, but also thankful that he’s alive and coherent, but mostly that first one.”

              “I don’t think anyone could blame you for that,” Carla agreed.  “Perry not remembering… I’m sure it’s hard for him, but I know how difficult it must be for _you_.”

              “It’s… god, it’s like this sick sort of torture,” JD said quietly, hugging his legs a little tighter.  “I’m ecstatic that he’s woken up, but I feel so awkward every time I’m in that room with him, like I have to walk on eggshells for fear that I’ll upset him or say something that sets him off.  It’s like being an intern all over again, except I have all these memories of how he _really_ is, of how I would normally expect him to react to something I’ve said.  I don’t want to pressure him to remember, but I wish he would.  Just the thought of this being permanent makes me so _scared_ , Carla.”

              JD’s voice had become barely more than a whisper as he spoke as though he was afraid of being overheard.  “Does that make me a bad person?” he asked in a small voice, trusting Carla to tell him the truth.

              “JD, of _course_ being scared doesn’t make you a bad person,” Carla said, shaking her head.  “You’re not a criminal for wanting your husband back.  If that was Turk in there, I’d be going crazy, doing everything I possibly could to help him remember.  Who knows if any of that stuff even works, but, JD, I think it’s worth a shot.  Even if it’s uncomfortable sometimes, Perry is still in there, his memories are still with him.  He’s just got to unlock them, you know?”

              JD nodded.  “I just have to find the key,” he murmured.  He was silent for a few moments and Carla let him think.         

              “How sad is it that I miss lying next to him?” JD said suddenly without waiting for an answer.  “Not even _touching_ him.  Just laying down and knowing he’s right there next to me, close enough that I can feel him there, hear his breathing, even his heartbeat when it’s quiet enough.  I mean, sure, I miss the other things too, like the hugs and kisses and the sex, but all of that stuff can wait.  It’s important, but it’s not the be-all, end-all of our relationship.  We’re more than that, Perry and me.  I just hope that someday, he’ll let me in and know that even if he doesn’t remember, I still want him.  What scared me most in the beginning was the idea of starting over with him, of losing what we’ve worked so hard for.  But that doesn’t matter so much anymore, not really.  I’m just glad to have him still _here_.  I’m willing to work hard again, do it _all_ again if he wants to.  We might’ve written our own vows, but the ‘in sickness and in health’ thing still applies and I’m not just going to give up on him.  Not now, not ever.”

              Carla smiled and pulled JD into a hug that he returned, holding Carla more tightly than was really necessary.  “You’re so strong, JD,” she told him.  “I’ve always known that.  If there’s anyone who can help Perry Cox, of all people, and not go insane in the process, it’s you.  I’ve seen you do it once and I know you can do it again, if it comes to that.  And when he finally remembers, I know that he’ll still have setbacks and ups and downs because that’s how this stuff works, but you’ll be there for him, ready to catch him if he falls.  And Turk, Elliot, and I will gladly do the same for you.  Until that time comes, just hang on, all right?  You’re doing great so far, all things considered.  You know better than anyone that Perry can be a stubborn ass, but you also know how to pull him back into reality.  His accident doesn’t change anything about that, even if he doesn’t realize it.  You’re what he’s always needed, right from the beginning.”

              JD cleared his throat and gave Carla a watery smile.  “Thank you,” he said softly.  “You and Turk always know exactly what to say.  Do you think you’d be able to check on him during the night, make sure he’s okay?”

              “Of course,” Carla said readily.  “I was planning to, even if you hadn’t asked.  You want me to text you updates?”

              JD shook his head.  “No, only if his condition changes or something,” he told her.  “I probably won’t be getting much sleep as it is, but you only need to notify me if something big happens.  Oh, and Jordan and I snuck in Lydia, so don’t freak out.”

              Carla stifled a giggle.  “You snuck your cat into the hospital?”

              “We figured she might help Perry remember,” JD explained.  “I don’t know if that’s the case, but she seems to keep him calm, at least for the most part.  He just keeps petting her and she’s curled up on his chest.  I think she missed him, too.”

              “Well, that has to count for something,” Carla offered.  “But don’t worry, I’ll keep Kelso out of his room if that’s what it takes.  Though I think Kelso wouldn’t be so upset about it.”

              “Really?” JD asked, confused.  “Why?”

              “Between you and me, I think he misses Perry,” Carla said.  “You know them – they’re always bantering and bickering about something.  It’s become a form of entertainment at this point.  Poor Ted’s getting the brunt of it now.”

              JD couldn’t help but laugh.  “You’re probably right.  I’ll have to write Ted another prescription for anxiety meds,” he joked.  “But I guess I should be heading back to the apartment now.”

              “Try and get some rest, Bambi,” Carla said, squeezing JD’s shoulder.  “I’ll let you know if anything changes.”

              “Thanks again,” JD said, hugging Carla when they both stood.  “I’ll talk to you later.”

              JD left the lounge and walked slowly down the hall toward the elevator.  He was still getting those pitying looks.  He knew part of it was because of how he must look; he hadn’t shaved in a while and there was no product in his hair, leaving it to lay limp atop his head, not to mention the lack of effort he’d put into his clothes.  He didn’t even want to think about the bags under his eyes or the sadness in his expression, even when he tried to smile. 

              Perry’s accident had taken a huge toll on JD.  It had lessened some when Perry woke up, but ever since realizing that Perry was missing such a significant chunk of time, he wasn’t dealing with it well and he knew it.  But what else was he supposed to do?  There were times when he felt a little better about it, more optimistic, like when they’d been looking at the photos from the trip to the coast, or even when he was talking to Carla.  But it wasn’t always that easy and it was usually worse when he was alone with his thoughts.  It had always been that way – left to his own devices, JD could easily alter his mood without even meaning to.  It was one of the downsides of being such an avid daydreamer – life wasn’t always as good as it was in his head.  Not that he and Perry didn’t have an incredible life together, but he tended to overthink things when they had a disagreement.  Perry was usually able to see the signs that JD was receding into his thoughts, but now there was no Perry there now to stop him from thinking the worst.

              JD tried to think happy thoughts, but when that proved unsuccessful, he settled for trying not to think at all.  He drove mindlessly, allowing muscle memory and just the slightest bit of attention to the road guide him back to the apartment.  He trudged through the parking lot and slid his key into the lock on their front door.  Even though he knew neither Perry nor Lydia would be there, it still left him with an empty feeling when there was no one there to greet him.  He kicked off his shoes next to the door – Perry hated when he did that because why couldn’t he take the two extra steps to put them in the coat closet? – and headed straight for the master bedroom.  He was exhausted, but too restless to sleep, so for lack of anything better to do, he stepped into the attached bathroom and turned on the shower so the water temperature was just a little too hot and, therefore, exactly how he liked it.

              He stripped off his clothes and stepped into the shower, letting the hot water run over his tense muscles.  He could feel his breakdown coming, but tried to hold off for as long as he could in a futile attempt to convince himself that he’d be okay and so would Perry.  He lasted a little longer than he might have ordinarily, but soon enough, a sob broke free from his chest and his tears began to fall.  The pitiful sounds echoed in the shower stall all around him, and he was grateful that he was at home, where there was no one to hear him and ask if he was okay.  He wasn’t okay and probably wouldn’t be the same ever again.  He knew there were probably stronger people out there who would handle something like this better than he was, but hell, he was only human and he deserved to break down every once in a while. 

              By the time JD pulled himself out of the shower, his eyes were rimmed with red and swollen and the water had long since gone cold.  He shivered, but managed to pull on pajamas and a sweatshirt of Perry’s before climbing into bed.  Once again, he pulled one of Perry’s pillows to his chest and buried his face in it.  He could only hope that sleep would come soon.

 

* * *

 

 

              When JD woke up, he wasn’t sure if it was day or night.  The curtains in the bedroom were pulled shut and for a few moments, he was disoriented.  Finally, he rolled over and picked up his phone, which had remained blissfully silent throughout the night, meaning that Perry’s condition had stayed the same.  According to his phone, it was just after noon, meaning he’d slept for nearly twelve hours.  He did feel a little refreshed, but as he laid back down, flat on his back, he stared at the ceiling, remembering everything he’d been through in the past few days.  The weight of it all made the simple idea of getting out of bed feel next to impossible, but he knew that regardless of Perry’s demeanor, he should be there with him.  He would be careful from now on and mentally catalogue the things that seemed to set Perry off and try to avoid them.  Last night, simply offering to help Perry adjust his position on the bed had sent him into a terrible mood.  He would avoid doing so from now on because independence was important to Perry.

              As his mind began to wander – much too quickly for having just woken up – he remembered the dream he’d had.  He was grateful that it hadn’t been a nightmare, but despite the subject matter, it left him feeling hopeless.  In the dream, he and Perry had been back on the same beach as JD had shown Perry in the pictures.  They’d been walking hand in hand, the surf tickling their toes as they walked along the shoreline. 

              _“I’ve missed this,” JD said, looking up at Perry with a warm smile.  “We’ve been working so much lately.”_

_Perry smiled back and squeezed JD’s hand.  “I missed you too, kid.  Probably should have made time for this sooner.”_

_JD shrugged.  “I’m just happy we’re here now,” he said, resting his head on Perry’s shoulder for a brief moment.  “That’s all that matters anyway, long as you don’t go forgetting about me when we get back.”_

_Perry chuckled and let go of JD’s hand in favor of wrapping his arm around the younger man’s shoulders.  “Me, forget about you?” he teased.  “I really don’t think that’s possible, Newbie.”_

_“Good,” JD said with a grin.  “I think I’d be pretty sad if you ever did.”_

_Perry stopped walking and turned JD to face him and took his face in both his hands.  “I love you,” he murmured, using a soft, tender voice that was reserved specially for JD.  “Don’t_ you _forget_ that _.”_

_“I love you, too,” JD replied, his eyes locked on Perry’s.  “I would never,_ never _forget that.”_

_Perry caught JD’s lips in a soft, slow kiss that made everything around them melt away.  JD forgot about their friends back up on the beach, forgot about the hospital back home, forgot about anything and everything other than the man right in front of him.  When they broke apart, JD stepped even closer and hugged Perry, nuzzling against his neck._

_“I wish we could stay here forever,” he breathed.  “I don’t want to go back.”_

_Perry rubbed JD’s back, resting his chin on top of his head.  “We’ve still got another day and a half here,” he reminded JD.  “Let’s make it count, huh?”_

_JD smiled against Perry’s skin and nodded.  “Sounds like a plan,” he agreed, though he didn’t let go of Perry, not yet._

_Perry chuckled and pressed a kiss to JD’s hair.  “Come on, you goofball.  I think everyone’s hungry and they’re waiting for us.”_

JD had woken up then, and now that he had replayed the dream in his head, his entire being _ached_ to be back at the coast, to be in Perry’s arms without a care in the world.  If he could only hear Perry tell him he loved him and _mean_ it, things would be a little bit easier.  Just now, the idea of leaving his bed seemed so daunting a task that he was tempted not to even try, but he quickly banished the idea, knowing full well that he should be at Perry’s side even if the older man didn’t want him there.

              Feeling not the least bit well-rested, JD forced himself out of bed and into a clean pair of jeans, though he kept his t-shirt on, along with Perry’s hoodie, and was out the door no more than twenty minutes later, heading for the hospital.  It was raining again, caught between a downpour and a drizzle.  The weather couldn’t seem to decide what it wanted to do.  JD pulled his hood up over his head when he left his car and hurried into the hospital. 

              “Oh, JD, thank god you’re here,” Carla said, scurrying up to him and looking rather flustered.

              “Uh, I just woke up,” JD said gruffly, having not yet spoken.  “What’s going on?”

              “Your husband’s being an idiot is what’s going on,” Carla grumbled.  “He found out that Elliot is his doctor and even though he knows she’s not an intern anymore, he’s refusing any and all treatment from her, _including_ pain medication.”

              “Are you kidding me?” JD asked incredulously, letting his hood fall from his head as he rolled up his sleeves.  “So what, he’d rather writhe in pain than let Elliot treat him?”

              “She’s been trying to reason with him, but he’s in a mood,” Carla said, crossing her arms in frustration.  “She’s almost in tears.”

              JD ran a hand over his face and sighed.  “I’ll see if I can talk some sense into him, but who’s to say he’ll even listen to _me_?”

              “Try at least?” Carla said helplessly.  “I don’t know what else to do and I have twenty other patients to take care of.  He’s your problem now.”

              JD snorted as Carla rushed off.  It wasn’t like he could just snap his fingers and knock some sense into Perry, especially not now, with where his mind was.  Still, he’d have to try.  He tried to prepare himself for what would be waiting for him in Perry’s room, but he wasn’t expecting to find Elliot still in there, shouting at Perry.

              “– and if you refuse treatment, you can’t _stay_ here!” Elliot was yelling, looking far beyond flustered.

              Perry was lying on his bed looking furious, but clearly pained, and Lydia was sitting on one of the chairs, looking as though she was both frightened and annoyed by the commotion.

              “What the hell is going on?” JD asked, raising his voice so he could be heard over Elliot’s shrill tone.  Both of them froze momentarily and stared at him.  He rounded on Perry.  “Are you _seriously_ refusing treatment?  I know you’re stubborn and scared and all, but you’re not _stupid_ , Perry.  And Elliot, he’s not going to listen to you if you just keep squawking at him, so can you please give us a minute?”

              Elliot glared at JD, but eventually left in a huff, slamming Perry’s chart down just inches away from his injured leg.  He jerked reflexively and immediately winced, his face pale and his expression twisted in pain.

              “Perry,” JD said in a softer voice as he sank down into his chair right next to the bed, “come on.  Don’t do this to yourself.  You need to rest and you _need_ pain meds.”

              “Don’t tell me what I need, Newbie,” Perry muttered, sounding like he was out of breath.

              JD actually laughed.  “You’re acting like you’re the only patient in the world who’s ever been through something like this,” he said in disbelief.  “Newsflash, you’re _not_.  You need to deal with it, Perry, and realize that you’re on a very long road to recovery, here, and sabotaging yourself like this isn’t going to make it any easier.  You’ve had patients like this in the past and you know this kind of thing doesn’t get them _anywhere_.”

              “I don’t need you to lecture me,” Perry said flatly, though he seemed to realize that the gaze that had once intimidated JD held no power over him anymore.  “I don’t need you here, period.”

              “You know what’s funny about that, Perry?” JD asked sarcastically.  “I could barely drag myself out of bed this morning because all of this –” he gestured to Perry’s monitors, the I.V.s, and the room around them – “is so fucking _terrifying_ to me and all I can think about is you being here all alone, in pain, and probably just as scared as I am because you’re missing _six years of your life_.  I can’t even imagine what you’re going through, and I didn’t want you to have to go through it alone, so I made myself get out of bed and come here so I could sit with you and try to help you.  I know you don’t want me here, that you don’t think you need me, but even if you don’t remember, I promised to stay by your side through everything, good and bad.  I’m not giving up on that now just because you’ve decided you want to act like a two-year-old and throw a tantrum.”

              Perry blinked at JD for several moments.  “You don’t talk to me like that,” he said slowly, seeming even more confused.

              “I don’t usually have to,” JD said, crossing his arms.  “Only when you’re being a giant ass.”

              Perry studied JD even longer after that and JD stared right back at him, refusing to back down.  “Fine,” he finally muttered.  “Tell Barbie she can treat me.  And get me something for the pain.”

              JD rolled his eyes, but stood and walked over to the door.  He was glad to see Elliot near the nurses’ station.  He waved her back over and nodded.  “Drug him up.  Please.”

              “Oh, with pleasure,” Elliot huffed, blowing her bangs out of her face.

              It wasn’t even five minutes after Elliot had administered more pain medication through the I.V. in Perry’s right hand that Perry’s eyelids were beginning to droop.  “Thanks,” he slurred, turning his head to look at JD.

              “Don’t thank me,” he said quietly.  “Thank Elliot.  And apologize to her at some point.  You were a jerk.”

              “Usually am a jerk,” Perry mumbled.  “Feel better now, though.”

              “Yeah, I bet you do,” JD sighed, feeling his anger and frustration start to fade.  “You need to rest, Perry, okay?  No more fighting us on that.”

              Perry nodded weakly, seeming to consider the idea.  “’M cold,” he told JD.

              JD immediately stood and gathered the blanket that Turk had given him that first night.  “Here,” he said softly, draping the blanket over Perry and taking care to make sure it covered his whole body.  “That better?”

              “Much better, Newbie,” Perry said, brushing his fingers over JD’s arm as he adjusted the blanket.

              JD felt his throat constrict at the simple touch.  He knew Perry was only acting this way because of the medication and not because he remembered, but JD was desperate for Perry’s touch.  He lingered longer than necessary just to feel Perry’s hands on him.

              “Newbie?” Perry said again, looking up into JD’s face, which was much closer than usual.

              “Yeah, Perry?” JD asked, watching as Perry’s eyelids shut for a moment before he forced them back open.

              “D’you really think I’m a jerk?” Perry asked, sounding remarkably childlike.

              “No, I don’t,” JD said softly, trying and failing to resist the urge to brush a stray hair back from Perry’s forehead.  He made a mental note to change the bandage on his head when he woke up.  “No, I think you’re stubborn sometimes, but you’re not a jerk.  You’re good.  That’s why I love you.”

              Perry hummed in response, his eyes shutting again as he seemed to consider what JD had said.  “Not good ‘nough for you,” he murmured without opening his eyes.

              JD smiled.  “Sounds like something you’d say,” he said fondly.  “Go to sleep, Per.”

              “You’ll stay?” Perry asked, reaching blindly for JD’s hand. 

              JD’s heart leapt and he eagerly threaded their fingers together.  Perhaps it was selfish, but he would enjoy this for as long as he could, which was until Perry’s pain meds started to wear off.  “Of course,” he promised.  “I’ll stay.”

              Perry drifted off soon after, leaving JD to entertain himself.  He watched Lydia for a while as she finally settled down, deciding it was safe to do so now that all the yelling was over.  JD hardly moved, not wanting to disturb Perry or let their hands leave each other.  Even as Perry slept and his body went limp, his fingers barely uncurled from around JD’s hand.  JD took it as a good sign, even if it wouldn’t last.  After Lydia curled up on the other chair and went to sleep, JD watched Perry.  He looked much more peaceful as he rested, due in large part to the pain medication he’d finally received.

              JD wondered how many more setbacks they’d have to face before Perry would be on the upswing for good.  He knew there were plenty of complications that could arise as a result of his injuries – and his temper.  Thankfully, he’d been able to diffuse the situation today, but that didn’t mean he’d be able to in the future.  If Perry could remember, JD thought that would help matters tremendously, but he didn’t want to put pressure on Perry.  He knew very well that if he did, even inadvertently, Perry would, perhaps even subconsciously, be more resistant to the idea.  He liked when he thought things were _his_ idea – it was an ego thing, and sometimes it was downright amusing to let Perry think he’d come up with a brilliant idea all on his own.  Like when Perry had asked JD to move in.  JD had been slowly bringing more and more of his things to Perry’s apartment and leaving them there, dropping hints left and right, yet Perry had decided he came to the conclusion that they should live together of his own accord.  JD let him think that way since he got to move into Perry’s apartment and celebrate for the majority of that first night.

              A smile crept onto JD’s face as he watched Perry.  The man lying beside him had caused him so much grief in the first year they’d known each other, and even after they’d gotten together, there were still times when JD wondered what the hell he was doing with a guy like Perry.  And then Perry would do something sweet to remind JD _exactly_ what the hell he was doing with him.  It was often something as simple as a note or a text, but sometimes as grand as a dinner at an upscale restaurant or letting JD drive the Porsche.  Regardless of the gesture, JD was just happy to be with someone who he _knew_ loved him without question.  Somewhere in there, he knew Perry still loved him.  It was like Carla had said the night before: JD just had to unlock that part of him.

              Not quite a week after the accident, Perry’s moods were still liable to change at the drop of a hat.  For that reason, JD treaded carefully and spent a long time choosing his words before he spoke.  Each time Perry received a visitor, JD held his breath, unsure of how the person would be received.  Perry behaved himself for Carla and Jordan, but Turk, Elliot, and Kelso, and just about anyone else on the hospital staff never stayed long.  They could all see a blow-up coming a mile away and chose to leave and let JD deal with it rather than themselves.  JD couldn’t blame them, but it meant he was getting the brunt of Perry’s frustration.

              Five minutes after Elliot left Perry’s room, having told him that he might consider therapy to help him through this trauma, JD _knew_ it was just a matter of time before Perry’s anger came to a head.  He didn’t at all disagree with Elliot, but didn’t think for a moment that Perry would ever go along with the idea.  Sure enough, JD chanced a look over at Perry and he was positively seething.

              “Perry,” JD said, keeping his tone as gentle as possible.  “Are you okay?”

              “For the love of god, Newbie, does it _look_ like I’m okay?” Perry asked rhetorically.  “I haven’t been out of this goddamn bed in a week and I can’t do anything without _someone_ helping me! I have never felt so _fucking_ useless!”

              JD’s heart broke for Perry; it couldn’t be easy lying there all the time, in pain and confused.  “I wish I could help you,” he said softly.  “Seriously, if you can think of anything that I can do to make this easier somehow, please tell me.”

              “That’s just it, isn’t it?” Perry muttered, though he seemed to be calming down.  “There’s nothing anyone can do.  Cops can’t even find the jackass who hit me.”

              JD felt a flash of anger course through him.  “If they ever find him, I’d love to get my hands on him,” he said under his breath, his fingers digging into the armrests on his chair.

              When he looked up, Perry was staring at him in surprise.  “Didn’t peg you for being violent.”

              “I – I’m not,” JD said quickly.  “I just… how does someone like that _live_ with themselves?  To hit someone and just drive away…  Just for a second, I want him to feel what you’re feeling, what I’m feeling.  I want him to know that he’s turned our lives upside down.  I want him to face the consequences for it.”

              “Pretty dark, Newbie,” Perry commented.

              “I don’t care,” JD said, shaking his head.  “He deserves to pay for what he did to you.”

              “I don’t disagree, believe me,” Perry said calmly.  “Just don’t think I’ve ever heard you talk like that before.”

              “It’s not every day I walk around this place homicidal,” JD joked weakly.  “It’s a special occasion.”

              Perry actually smiled in response, though it was small and gone a moment later, but JD felt that their conversation marked a turning point in their relationship.  Perry seemed to calm down after that and JD could tell that he was trying to get a better handle on his temper, or at the very least, not take it out on JD every time he needed to vent.

             

* * *

 

 

              Before JD knew it, days turned into weeks and weeks into a month.  Exactly one month and six days after Perry’s accident marked their second wedding anniversary and of the two of them, JD was the only one who remembered it.  Perry had been making steady progress, but had not regained any of his memories.  JD had been starting to lose hope, but refused to admit it, even to himself.  Physically, Perry was doing well.  He’d been keeping up with the exercises his physical therapy team gave him to strengthen both his shoulder and his leg.  Each time JD accompanied Perry to physical therapy, they told him how well Perry was doing and that his determination was great to see.  JD agreed with them, but wondered if Perry’s stubbornness had anything to do with him not remembering anything.

              JD had breached the subject only a few times over the last month, especially after the police had contacted them with information about the person who had hit Perry, of Perry seeing a therapist.  Each time, it was received with the same answer: absolutely not.  JD and Perry both agreed that they were going to press charges, but Perry had no interest in seeing or speaking to the driver.  JD couldn’t blame him – if he had gotten the chance to see the man, he would probably need someone to separate them.  JD was not a violent person by any means, but this man’s actions had caused his life to come to a screeching halt, not to mention that Perry might not ever be physically the same again.  He would most likely walk again, but would it be with a walker?  A cane?  At the very least, JD assumed he’d have a limp.  And then there was the matter of his memories.

              Memories that were missing with no indication as to whether or not they would return.  The uncertainty was almost worse than Perry not remembering at all.  JD found himself on edge each day because it might be the day Perry remembered.  Each day when he woke up, he hoped desperately for the call that everyone knew they were to make should Perry remember with JD not there.  Each day when JD woke up, he did not receive a call.  He would get out of bed, which was becoming increasingly difficult as time passed, force himself into the shower and pull on clean clothes, and go back to the hospital to sit beside Perry until Perry settled in for the night.  It was a monotonous routine, though it was made easier by the fact that Perry was much more agreeable than he had been at first.

              JD found it more difficult than usual to get out of bed that day.  It was a big milestone and to be the only person who knew it was more depressing than anything.  He wondered if his friends would make a big deal out of it or even tell Perry, but they seemed to know to leave it up to JD as to what he’d tell Perry, what he would explain.  JD preferred it that way, and he liked to think Perry did, too.  It seemed to be helping them become closer and solidify the trust between them.

              Elliot asked JD if they could have lunch together on the day of his and Perry’s anniversary.  JD had accepted, but he had a sneaking suspicion that Elliot was going to tell him what he’d been worrying over for a week and a half.  Sure enough, as they sat down at a table in the cafeteria, trays of food in front of them, though JD wasn’t eating much anymore, his worst fears were confirmed.

              “I think it’s time that I discharge Perry,” Elliot said, breaching the subject as she bit into a carrot stick.  The crunching sound made JD want to throttle her.

              “I don’t know if that’s such a good idea,” JD said slowly, trying to keep a level head.  He was running on little sleep and had been since the accident, and he was prone to frustration with little provocation.  “I know he’s been making good progress and everything, but it’s only physically.”

              “JD, you know that there’s nothing more we can do for him with regard to his memories,” Elliot said, speaking to him as though he wasn’t a doctor at all.  “That will come with time – more time than any of us thought, but they’ll come.”

              JD closed his eyes and tried to remain calm.  “Elliot, I don’t think you’re making the right choice,” he said frankly, looking back at her.  If he’d been hungry before, he definitely wasn’t now.

              Elliot gave him an expression that he could only interpret as pity.  He hated her in that moment.  “I know that all of this has been really hard for you, JD, and it’s been hard for us to see you this way, but it’s time.  There’s no reason for Perry to be here anymore, and quite honestly, I think he would be more comfortable back at the apartment.  And that way, you won’t have to run back and forth between here and there.”

              JD felt a sudden panic rising in his chest.  “Elliot, please, I’m begging you,” he said, taking on a desperate tone.  “Don’t discharge him yet, he’s not ready.”

              “I spoke to him earlier,” Elliot said quietly.  “Before you got here today.  He’s ready.”

              JD dug his nails into the palms of his hand.  He felt as though everyone in the hospital was against him, even though he _knew_ he was being irrational.  Simply put, he was terrified.  If he brought Perry home, it would just be the two of them.  There would be no nurses, no orderlies, no visitors.  Just them, the cat, and an otherwise empty and silent apartment.

              Elliot reached across the table and took JD’s hand, forcing him to relax it.  “I know it’s your anniversary today,” she said gently.  “And I know that you’re scared, but I promise you that you’re not going to be alone in this just because he’s coming home.  We’re still your friends, JD, we’re not going to leave you high and dry.  We’ll stop by as often as we can and if you need a break, any one of us would be happy to stay with him.  You don’t have to worry.”

              JD ran a hand over his face, keeping his other hand in Elliot’s.  “I remember thinking,” he said, gazing out the window, “on the night of the accident that all I wanted was for him to be better by our anniversary so we could celebrate.  Even if it was just takeout or a delivery pizza.  I – I know I should be happy that he’s progressing so well.  And I am.  His physical therapist said he’ll probably be out of his sling by the end of the week and that his fractures are healing well, right on par with where they should be by now.  And – and he’s gotten better about _us_ , but it’s obvious that he doesn’t _feel_ anything or at least he doesn’t _want_ to.  Every morning when I wake up, I hope that today will be the day that I walk into his room and he remembers me and tells me that he loves me.  And every single day, I walk in and he gives me that stupid, forced smile and says, ‘Morning, Newbie,’ and goes back to reading or doing his fucking exercises.  We barely talk and when we do, it’s about the weather or Lydia or his therapy.  It’s never about the _real_ stuff, and part of that’s me because I don’t want him to feel pressure to remember – that’s not fair to him.  But honest to god, Elliot, it’s killing me.  I want him back and I feel like a terrible person for even saying that out loud because I _know_ how lucky I am that he’s even still alive!”

              JD knew that people were likely staring at him, but this was the first time he’d admitted his fears out loud to any of his friends.  He covered his mouth for a moment, fingers brushing against the beard he hadn’t bothered to trim more than a couple times per week, and shut his eyes, trying to compose himself.  Finally, he looked back at Elliot, who wore an expression that was a mixture of sorrow, pity, and, strangely, satisfaction.

              “What?” JD mumbled, pulling his hand away from hers.

              “It’s about time you let that out,” Elliot said bluntly.  “You’re not doing yourself any good by bottling it up, especially since that’s never been the way you operate.  Even back when we were interns, you were constantly talking to me about your feelings, and don’t even get me started on how you talked my ear off once you and Perry finally got together.  JD, I’m your friend.  You shouldn’t have to keep everything inside until you explode.  You can talk to me about being scared, about feeling guilty.  At the end of the day, yes, I am Perry’s doctor, and I know that I’m making the right decision by sending him home with you, but I’m glad it’s finally made you show some emotion for the first time in _weeks_.”

              Of course, Elliot was right – JD knew he didn’t have a leg to stand on in that regard.  He looked down at the table between them rather than meet Elliot’s eyes.

              “And, uh, JD?” Elliot said after a while, sounding more gentle than she had before.

              His gaze flickered back up to her for just a moment, waiting for her to continue.

              “You should tell him it’s your anniversary.  I think he’d like to know.  But I’ll leave you alone now.  I’ll try to have him ready to be discharged by early afternoon.”

             

              “What the hell’s got you so jumpy, Newbie?” Perry asked, glancing over at JD, the corners of his mouth quirking up.

              “I’m not jumpy, who said I was jumpy?” JD asked defensively, blinking at Perry.

              Perry raised his eyebrows at the young doctor sitting beside him who had been starting at every sound they heard for the better part of the last three hours. 

              “Okay, fine, so I’m a little on edge,” JD mumbled, picking at the arm of the chair.  “S’not a big deal.”

              Perry did not look satisfied with that answer, much to JD’s annoyance.  “Come on, kid, out with it,” he pressed.

              JD debated between coming up with a barely-believable lie that Perry would probably entertain just to get off the subject and actually telling him the truth.  He’d been trying to be more honest, both with Perry and himself lately, but he had a track record of landing himself in hot water with that.  For instance, nearly a week and a half ago, he’d been daydreaming about Perry’s hands and when Perry asked him where his mind had run off to, he’d admitted just exactly what he’d been thinking about.  Perry had been awkward about that one, though JD had quickly tried to smooth it over.  It was obvious that even though Perry had become more agreeable to the fact that they were married, he wasn’t exactly on board with the physical aspect of their relationship yet. 

              In the end, JD decided that the truth was a better option today.  “Elliot told me she was discharging you today,” he sighed.  “While I am honestly thrilled that you’ve made so much progress, today’s kind of a… special day.  Or it was supposed to be, anyway.”

              “Special?” Perry repeated, watching JD with a polite curiosity.  “How’s that?”

              “It’s – it’s our anniversary,” JD managed, only meeting Perry’s eyes for a brief second.  “Two years since we got married.”

              “I see,” Perry said, speaking slowly as if he was choosing his words very carefully.  “That _is_ special.  Did you get me anything?”

              JD’s eyes went dramatically wide.  “I – no, I should have – I didn’t think –”

              “JD, calm down,” Perry chuckled, holding up a hand.  “I was just kidding.  I wouldn’t expect you to get me a damn thing.”

              “That’s not funny,” JD muttered, though he couldn’t help but smiling even as he crossed his arms indignantly.

              “It’s a little funny.”

              “Nope, definitely not funny,” JD maintained.  “But I’ll let it slide since you have very limited sources of entertainment here.”

              Perry sighed and leaned back against his bed, stretching carefully.  “Can’t wait to be back in my own bed in my own apartment,” he said wistfully.

              “You’re not… worried?” JD asked with some hesitation, turning to face Perry.

              “Worried?” Perry questioned.  “Should I be?  How much redecorating have you done since we got together?”

              JD flushed, but shook his head.  “No, not because of that.  I haven’t even done _that_ much.  No, it’s just that I… Oh, never mind, I shouldn’t even be telling you this.”

              “Newbie, is every conversation we have going to be like this?  I told you, I want you to be honest with me.  You’re not going to hurt my feelings.”

               JD looked up at Perry, trying to formulate the best way to say what he was feeling.  “I guess I’m just sort of nervous that…”  He trailed off and took a deep breath.  “It’s just going to be the two of us.  There won’t be any other doctors or nurses stopping in all the time.  I’m worried that it’ll be so awkward between us that we won’t be able to stand it.  Perry, I’ve never once wanted to put pressure on you to remember, and I hope I haven’t, but this is really hard for me.  Even harder than I thought it’d be.  I’m so used to acting a certain way with you and I can’t do that right now.  I – I realize how incredibly selfish that sounds, given what you’re going through, and I’m sorry for that, but that’s… that’s me being honest, I guess.”

              Perry did not seem angry, or even that affected by what JD had said and JD wasn’t sure how to handle that.  “I can see how hard you’ve been trying,” he said in a calm, even voice.  “I know I don’t always… show my appreciation for that, for _you_.  I can only imagine what this is like for you.  It’s strange for me, I’ll admit that, but I don’t feel the same as I did when I first woke up, you know.  That’s not to say that I wish I could run out and get married to you again today, but I’m certainly not willing to give up just because it’s a rough road we’re on.  I just need some time, Newbie, but I’ll get there.  As for it being awkward, well, I think we’ll both just have to put a little more effort in.  This hospital room isn’t exactly the most comfortable environment for me, but I can promise you that once I get settled in at home, I’ll try harder.  How does that sound?”

              JD actually found himself able to smile softly.  “That sounds good,” he agreed.  “You sounded more like yourself just there than I’ve heard in a while.”

              “I’m still me,” Perry reminded him gently.  “There’s just some assembly required.”

              JD nodded.  “Too bad there’s no instruction manual for amnesia,” he sighed, only half-joking. 

              Perry waved him over.  “Come here, kid.”

              JD blinked momentarily in surprise, but wasn’t going to turn down an opportunity to be closer to his husband.  “Yeah?” he asked, sitting on the edge of Perry’s bed.

              Perry opened his arms to JD, a clear invitation that JD had not received since Perry’s accident.  He could hardly believe it, but tentatively lowered himself into Perry’s arms and received a warm embrace.  Immediately, JD relaxed, resting his head on Perry’s good shoulder and stretching himself out alongside him.  He draped an arm across Perry’s stomach and closed his eyes, breathing deeply with his nose just barely nuzzling against Perry’s neck. 

              “Happy anniversary, JD,” Perry murmured, rubbing JD’s back.  Once he got his sling off – which should be very soon given his progress – it’d be much easier to hold the younger man, but for now, he could settle for this. 

              JD only held on tighter, thinking that if this was a dream, he’d sleep forever.  “This is the best present I could’ve asked for,” he whispered, trying not to worry too much about the future and instead remain in the moment.  “Missed this.”

              In that moment, it didn’t matter to JD that Perry didn’t remember.  All that mattered to him was that Perry’s arms were around him and that he was _holding_ him.  Suddenly, it seemed like they were back home, spending their anniversary together like they would have any other year.  JD kept his eyes closed, feeling Perry’s hand rub his back reassuringly.  He felt genuinely happy for the first time in a very long time.

              “Thank you, JD,” Perry said quietly some time later.  JD hadn’t drifted off, but he was resting contentedly and wasn’t sure how much time had passed since he’d laid down in Perry’s arms. 

              “Hmm?” JD hummed.  “What for?”

              “Not giving up on me,” Perry replied, his voice softer and gentler than JD was used to hearing.  “You’ve been so patient.  I just need you to keep hanging on.”

              “Oh, Perry,” JD sighed, rubbing his hand up and down Perry’s side.  “I could never give up on you.  You’ll get there, I know you will.”

              “Glad to have someone in my corner,” Perry said.  “I’m not exactly used to that.”

              “You’ve got a lot of people rooting for you,” JD reassured him.  “Me, Turk and Carla, Elliot, too, even if you do drive her a little nuts.”

              Perry chuckled.  “I’m sure she’ll be glad to be rid of me.  I’m not exactly the best patient.”

              “I won’t argue with you there,” JD said, grinning against Perry’s chest.  “But you’ve gotten better.” 

              Before either of them could say anything else, there was a knock on Perry’s door, and shortly thereafter, Elliot walked in, carrying a clipboard.  She looked pleasantly surprised at their positions, but quickly composed herself. 

              JD made a half-hearted attempt to sit up, but Perry didn’t seem to want to let him go, and Elliot flailed her arms at him.  “No, no, don’t move on my account,” she said in a rush.  “No, I just came in to have Perry sign a few discharge forms and then you’ll be ready to go.”

              “Sounds great, Elliot,” JD said, sounding much more excited about the idea than he had that morning.  He knew that once he and Elliot got a moment alone, perhaps after Perry was settled in at home, she’d demand to know what had happened to get him on board so quickly.  “Thanks for everything over the last month.”

              “Don’t mention it,” Elliot said, winking at JD as she handed Perry a pen and the clipboard. 

              It took some adjusting on Perry’s part to be able to passably sign his name given he had to hold the clipboard rather awkwardly in his left hand, that arm still in a sling.  His movement was still quite limited, but he was making great strides in regaining full functioning of his arm each day at physical therapy and kept up diligently with his exercises.

              “Thank you,” Perry said as he handed the clipboard back to Elliot.  JD was rather impressed with how genuine he sounded.  “You’ve become quite the doctor there, Barbie.”

              Elliot smiled, blushing slightly, and flicked her hair back.  “I know,” she responded smugly.  “An orderly will be in with a wheelchair soon.  Let me know if either of you need anything.”

              After Elliot left the room, JD did sit up, regretfully so.  “You ready to get out of here?” he asked, looking down into Perry’s face.

              “You have no idea,” Perry said, sounding relieved.  “Well, you probably do, actually.”

              “I might,” JD said with a smile.  “At least they let you start wearing regular clothes.  I hate those gowns.”

              “I don’t think anyone but you would have liked watching me walk around with the back of my gown hanging open,” Perry teased, and for a moment, it was like they were right back where they left off, bantering back and forth with each other while knowing it was all just light-hearted teasing.

              JD treasured the good days like this, though none had seemed so good as this one.  Maybe this was how they would celebrate their anniversary.  He found he was quite all right with that.  He slid off Perry’s bed and offered his hands so Perry could sit up.  Gratefully, Perry took them and with relative ease was able to swing his legs over the side of the bed, though he did so gingerly and with a calculated slowness.  He was doing his exercises to strengthen his hip and leg religiously, determined to be able to walk as soon as possible.  JD was always careful to warn him about pushing too hard, but Perry knew the dangers that came along with doing so.  He could easily cause damage to any of his injuries and set himself back, which JD knew would be a nightmare. 

              “How are you feeling today?” JD asked once Perry had himself situated, sitting back down on the bed next to him.

              “Today’s a good day,” Perry told him, nodding to himself.  “I feel good.”

              JD smiled, daring to lean into Perry’s side.  “That’s great,” he said warmly.  “I feel a lot better now than I did this morning.”

              “Let’s hope it stays that way then,” Perry said, the corners of his own mouth turning up as JD looked at him.  “When we get home, what do you say we eat some real food, not this garbage from the cafeteria, and pop in a movie?”

              JD’s heart swelled at the idea, thinking that maybe, _finally_ he was getting his Perry back.  “I say that sounds _perfect_ ,” he gushed.  Maybe Perry would even let JD snuggle up to him again!

              Moments later, an orderly arrived with a wheelchair to escort Perry out.  Both he and JD helped Perry into it as carefully as possible to cause him the least amount of pain.  JD smiled softly down at him as he grabbed his duffel bag and slung it over his shoulder – he’d long since taken the photo albums home, along with Lydia, though Perry hadn’t seemed happy about the latter.

              “You good?” JD asked, assessing Perry’s expression to see whether or not he was in pain.  Perry often tried to play down the amount of pain he was in, but it was always obvious on his face or in his body language just how much he was masking it. 

              “I’m all right,” Perry replied, and for once, he seemed to be just that.  He was breathing normally and though his brows were furrowed slightly, there were no other signs that he was in an extraordinary amount of pain.  Luckily, Perry had gotten much better about vocalizing his aches and pains and that meant JD and less of the hospital staff had to endure a very cranky Perry who didn’t have enough pain meds.  “Let’s get out of here.”

              JD smiled and moved to take Perry’s wheelchair, thanking the orderly who held the door open for them.  When they emerged out into the hallway, they were greeting by cheering and applause and what seemed like the entire hospital staff.  Turk, Carla, and Elliot were right up front and the three of them came up to JD and Perry, shaking hands and giving hugs and congratulations.

              “It’s about time,” Turk said to JD, grinning at him.

              JD found he couldn’t resist smiling either and felt rather silly for having been so worried.  “I guess it is,” he agreed.  “It’ll be nice to be home and _stay_ home for a while.”

              “I bet it will be,” Carla chimed in, pulling JD into a quick hug.  “Don’t hesitate to call, either of you.  We’re close by.”

              “Thank you, Carla,” Perry said genuinely, squeezing her hand.  “We’ll let you know once we’re settled in.”

              JD could hardly believe it – Perry was referring to them as a couple, as _we_.  His resulting grin nearly split his face in half and he beamed at all their well-wishers.  “What do you say, Perry?” he asked, looking down at him.  “You ready?”

              “Born ready, kid,” Perry replied.

              JD said quick goodbyes to his friends and nodded and mouthed thank-yous at everyone else as he pushed Perry down the hall toward the elevator.  “That was quite the send-off,” JD said cheerfully once they were in the elevator. 

              “Still surprises me,” Perry said, shaking his head.

              “What does?”

              “That people seem to, for lack of a better word, _care_ about me now,” Perry said simply.  “Thanks to you, of course.”

              JD rolled his eyes.  “People always cared about you, Perry.  I know I did.”

              Perry chuckled.  “I know you did, Newbie,” he said, a hint of fondness in his voice.  “No, what I’m saying is that, from my perspective, all I remember is walking around this place and being the bad guy, fighting with Kelso all the time.  I always knew most people thought I was a jerk, and that was fine with me, really, but it’s so strange to be here now and not remember when people started actually liking me.”

              “It was probably around the same time you started looking at me with that dopey, lovesick expression on your face,” JD teased, though it was the truth.

              “Oh please,” Perry snorted as the elevator doors opened and JD wheeled him out towards the ramp.  “I have my pride, I would _not_ have done that.”

              JD laughed, squinting as they made their way outside into the sunlight.  “You can still have pride and act like an idiot in love, you know,” he told Perry.  “I do it all the time.”

              “All right, all right,” Perry allowed as they reached the car.  “Help me out of this thing, would you?”

              JD hurried over to open the passenger side door for Perry and eased him out of the chair.  “Just keep breathing,” he reminded Perry, who had a tendency to hold his breath when exerting himself.  Soon, Perry was seated in the car, letting his head fall back against the headrest, his eyes closed.  “You okay?” JD asked, watching him worriedly.

              “I’m okay,” Perry said, turning to look at JD.  “Promise.”

              Satisfied, JD moved to wedge the wheelchair in the trunk and then came around to the driver’s side and slid in next to Perry.  “Let’s go home,” he said with a smile.

              “No place I’d rather be,” Perry said, relaxing in his seat and closing his eyes once again.

 

              Later that afternoon, once JD had gotten Perry settled in on the couch and given him adequate pain medication, Lydia took her usual place on Perry’s lap, seeming quite content to finally have him home. 

              “So, what do you want to watch?” JD asked, sitting down next to Perry, though he left some space between them.  “You get to pick.”

              Perry shook his head, petting Lydia absentmindedly.  He seemed rather happy to have her back as well.  “Surprise me.  Anything that came out in the last few years that I’ve already seen I don’t remember, so it doesn’t matter.”

              “Good point,” JD agreed, chuckling as he popped in a movie at random from their shelves of DVDs.  “Ooh, you really liked this one.”

              “What is it?” Perry asked curiously, watching as JD slid back up onto the couch. 

              “It’s called _I Am Legend_ ,” JD told him, pressing play when the menu came on the screen.  “It’s got Will Smith.  Kind of suspenseful, but very good.”

              “Well, if I liked it once, I’m sure I’ll like it again,” Perry said with a smile, turning his attention to the television.  He had his legs stretched out and propped up on an ottoman, his left arm draped over the back of the couch.  Normally, JD wouldn’t have hesitated in curling up into Perry’s side, but he held himself back.  Just because Perry had let him in earlier didn’t mean he’d do the same now.  If Perry chose to give him an invitation again, then he’d certainly jump at the chance, but until then, he could be happy just relaxing at home together.

              Neither of them spoke again until one of the more tense parts of the movie.  JD had since then brought his knees up to his chest and was hiding in his hoodie.

              “I hate this part,” he whined, though he was unable to tear his eyes off the screen.

              Perry snorted and glanced over at JD.  “Oh, come here, would you?” he said, rolling his eyes as he beckoned JD closer.

              Careful to avoid hitting Perry’s hip or his leg, JD eagerly curled up against his side, clinging to his shirt.  “Seriously, this is one of the worst – oh my god!” JD cried, yanking his hood over his face as one of the monsters suddenly appeared.

              Perry just laughed and put his arm around JD’s shoulders.  “Why’d you put in a scary movie if you can’t handle it?  _And_ you’ve already seen it!”

              JD grumbled, slowly emerging from his hood.  “It’s just that one part,” he muttered as his cheeks turned red.  “It _is_ a good movie, I swear.”

              “I like it so far,” Perry agreed, looking down into JD’s face, finding them much closer than they usually were.

              JD looked back up at Perry and out of habit more than anything else, his eyes flickered down to his lips for just a moment before moving back up to meet his gaze.  “I’m glad you’re home,” he murmured, wondering if Perry minded his hand resting on his chest.

              “Me too, kid,” Perry said quietly.  As JD watched Perry, he slowly moved closer until their noses were brushing against each other.  JD held his breath and kept his eyes locked on Perry; he didn’t dare hope for anything like this, but if it was really happening… well, he wasn’t going to run away.  As if in slow motion, Perry’s lips met JD’s in a slow, tender kiss that made JD’s heart swell.  He let out the breath he was holding and brought his hand up from Perry’s chest to cup his cheek, keeping him close.  It was everything JD had been hoping for for more than a month.  Any fears that Perry didn’t like him or want to be with him were suddenly pushed to the side as they kissed, the movie playing on in front of them, forgotten.

              JD was quite happy that Perry had initiated the kiss because he never would have had the guts to do it himself for fear of rejection or making Perry uncomfortable.  But knowing that Perry wanted this, too, and had wanted it enough to do something about it filled him with a hope he’d been missing for the last few weeks.  They only broke apart momentarily to take gasping breaths before their lips meant once again.  This time, Perry’s tongue stroked along JD’s bottom lip, earning a soft moan from the younger man as he let Perry in.  It was just like kissing Perry before the accident – there was no difference in the way he kissed or the way JD felt about it.  In fact, it was quite easy to forget that Perry didn’t have any memories of kissing JD before this.

              Sighing softly, Perry finally broke the kiss, but rested his forehead against JD’s, his arm still wrapped around his shoulders.  “What are you doing to me, JD?” he breathed, his eyes closed.

              “Hmm?” JD hummed, trying to catch his breath.

              “Making me fall for you all over again.”

              JD’s eyes popped open and he found himself staring back into Perry’s blue eyes.  “I – I wasn’t trying to,” he said softly.  “I guess it’s like Turk said.”

              “What did Turk say?” Perry asked, stroking the back of JD’s head.

              “He told me we were meant to be, the day you woke up.  He said there’s no way you wouldn’t fall in love with me again.”

              “I think he might just be right,” Perry murmured.

              JD couldn’t help but gasp and without warning, his eyes began to well up with tears.  Before he could even try to blink them away or clear his throat, they began to flow and, as his eyes closed, he felt Perry press a soft kiss to his forehead.

              “You’re okay,” he whispered.  “You’re fine, Newbie.”

              JD nodded, sniffling.  “I know,” he said softly.  “I – I’m sorry, I didn’t even mean to cry, I just… I’ve really missed this.”

              With some difficulty, Perry lifted his left arm, still tucked safely in its sling, and brushed away some of JD’s tears.  “You’ve been so patient,” he breathed.  “I can’t begin to tell you how grateful I am for that.  And you’ve been there for me every single day, even when I’ve been a jackass.  You never gave up.”

              “I’ll never give up on you, Perry,” JD said through his tears.  “It’s not an option.”

              Perry nodded, holding JD close.  “Why don’t we shut off the movie and head to bed?  I think we could both use a good night’s sleep.”

              “That sounds good,” JD agreed, sitting back and wiping his cheeks.  “Sorry about the waterworks.”

              Perry smiled at him.  “Don’t apologize.  Just get me into bed.”

              “That I can do,” JD said, smiling back at Perry as he stood and took the wheelchair from where he’d kept it by the door.  He helped Perry into it once he’d brought it as close to the couch as he could.

              “Can’t wait ‘til I can get around with crutches,” Perry remarked.  “I’m sure it’ll be easier on you, too.”

              “I really don’t mind helping you,” JD said honestly as they made their way down the hall toward the master bedroom.  “But I know how important being independent is to you, so I can’t blame you.”

              “Just have to get my shoulder back to normal,” Perry said, mostly to himself.  “It’ll be easier after that.”

              “Oh, I don’t know about _easier_ ,” JD reminded him, pushing the chair next to the bed.  “It could be another several months before your leg’s back to normal and that means a lot of hard work.”

              “I know that,” Perry said dismissively.  “One thing at a time, I know, but once I get this sling off, I can start using a walker or a cane and really get to work on my leg.”

              JD nodded and offered Perry both his hands.  “Ready?” he asked, bracing himself to help Perry up and into the bed.  Perry winced a few times once he was in the bed until he found a comfortable position.  “Okay?”

              “Yeah,” Perry said, letting out a long breath.  “Yeah, I’m good.”

              JD patted Perry’s good leg before walking into their closet and changing into his pajamas, which turned out not to be much different than what he’d already been wearing: a plain t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants.  He climbed into bed next to Perry.  “Can I get you anything before bed?” he asked before he settled down.

              Perry shook his head.  “No, I’m all right,” he assured JD.  “Go ahead and get some rest, Newbie.  You deserve it.”

              JD laid down and turned on his side to face Perry.  “You can wake me if you need something,” he told him.  “Goodnight, Perry.”

              “Goodnight, JD,” Perry said softly, closing his eyes.  “And happy anniversary.”

              JD fell asleep with a smile on his face and Perry’s hand in his.

             

* * *

 

 

              JD had never been more proud than he just then.  Perry’d asked him to stay during his physical therapy appointment and JD was happy to oblige.  Usually he caught up with Carla, Turk, and Elliot during Perry’s appointments, but he didn’t mind staying.  Besides, supporting Perry was as important as anything and he’d been making so much progress lately.

              “Okay, Perry,” Carly, Perry’s physical therapist, said encouragingly.  “Use the bars on either side of you and take a step.”

              Perry’s forehead was covered in a sheen of sweat, a look of intense concentration on his face as he focused on taking a step.  He gritted his teeth and with what looked like an enormous amount of effort, took a step.  Carly followed closely behind him with a wheelchair in case he needed it, but JD knew better than to think Perry would be satisfied with one step. 

              Sure enough, JD watched as Perry took another step.  And then another and another and soon, he was at the end of the bars.  Carly backed up to give him room to come back, all the while keeping up a steady stream of encouragement.  JD was beaming with pride, though each time Perry winced or showed that he was in pain, JD felt it, too.  He hated seeing his husband in pain, though it was just a fact of life at this point.  Perry had been doing well over the past few months since he’d come home and he’d felt well enough to have a few people over to celebrate four months since his accident.  Unfortunately, he still hadn’t remembered a thing.  Despite how frustrating and upsetting that became at times, JD was determined to stay focused on the good things: he and Perry were getting along well, though they hadn’t done anything other than kiss; Perry was clearly making good progress in his recovery; and JD was rather enjoying his extended leave of absence from the hospital.  Sure, he missed working and seeing everyone on a daily basis, but it was nice to be able to slow down and enjoy life for a while.

              When Perry finally sank down into his wheelchair, JD walked over to him, grinning.  “I’m so proud of you,” he said enthusiastically, kneeling down in front of Perry, who gave him an exhausted smile in return.

              “Thanks, kid,” he said breathlessly.  “Don’t think I’ll be running marathons any time soon, but I’m getting there, right?”

              “Right,” JD agreed.  “What do you say we go home and celebrate?”

              Perry arched an eyebrow.  “What did you have in mind?”

              “Now _that_ is a surprise,” JD said reproachfully.

 

              A surprise that ended far differently than JD had intended.  He’d left Perry in the bedroom and curled up on the couch under a blanket.  He’d just figured that they’d waited long enough, had danced around each other for so long, and _god_ , had he missed the feeling of Perry, either above or below him, as they kissed and rocked against each other.  It had all been going well when JD had initiated the kiss, both of them lying in bed.  Perry had wrapped his arms around JD and seemed to very much enjoy it when JD began kissing along his jawline and then his neck.  He’d even heard the breathy groan that he’d missed so much.  But when JD abruptly changed positions, swinging his leg over Perry so he was straddling him, Perry’s hands had flown to his waist and he hesitated.  Perry’s face had been a mixture of arousal and regret as he pushed JD away, saying that he wasn’t ready, that they needed to wait.  JD, both confused and embarrassed, had asked why – not that he would ever want to force himself on Perry, but he just couldn’t understand why they had to wait.  Perry had gotten frustrated then and they’d ended up raising their voices at each other, saying things they didn’t mean.

              “You can’t be afraid all the time!” JD had shouted, throwing his arms up in frustration.  “You have to actually try!”

              “You think I’m not _trying_?” Perry had asked incredulously.  “You think I’m not working my ass off every goddamned day?”

              “Sometimes I wonder if you even _want_ to remember!”

              They’d both gone silent after that and JD knew he’d crossed a line.  He hadn’t even meant to say it, but in the heat of the moment, it had flown out of his mouth before he could stop it.  He’d turned away and now here he was, lying on the couch, feeling awful for yelling at Perry, but he didn’t get up and apologize.

              Since Perry had come home from the hospital, they hadn’t spent a single night apart.  JD couldn’t get the look on Perry’s face when he’d left the bedroom out of his head and it kept him from getting to sleep.  Part of him wanted to go back and at least check on Perry, but he was too afraid of what would happen if Perry was still awake.  He just hoped he could make things right tomorrow.

 

              JD woke the next morning with a start – so early, that the sun hadn’t even risen yet.  He opened his eyes and was surprised to see Perry leaning over him, his expression unreadable.

              “Come on,” Perry said quietly, rubbing JD’s shoulder.

              “What?” JD asked in confusion, shocked that Perry hadn’t killed him yet.

              “Just… come on,” Perry said again, pulling JD up.

              “Where are we going?” JD asked, blinking at Perry.

              “You’ll see,” Perry said, turning away from JD and heading toward the front door.  He waited there for JD, leaning heavily on his cane.  “Bring that along,” he said, gesturing to the duffel bag Perry had set by the door.

              JD did as he was told, too tired and out of it to argue.  He slung the bag over his shoulder and walked alongside Perry, as slowly as was necessary, out to the parking lot.  Once in the car, Perry set up the navigation on his phone as JD slid into the driver’s seat, but neither of them spoke.

              It took quite a while for JD to realize where Perry was leading him, but when he did, he felt a swell of emotion.  He tightened his hands on the steering wheel and blinked away his tears, but felt pretty certain that Perry could tell anyway.  They were going to the coast, the beach in the pictures that JD had shown Perry right after he’d woken up in the hospital.  They hadn’t been there for over two years and JD wondered if Perry had been planning this or if he’d just recently asked Carla or Elliot where it was. 

              By the time they got to the beach, the sun was just starting to rise and the place was nearly deserted.  JD walked around to Perry’s side of the car and slowly but surely, they made their way down the beach.  Perry’s cane wasn’t very useful in the sand, so JD let Perry put his arm around his shoulders and lean on him for support on the uneven terrain.  The whole way down to the shoreline, JD was fighting tears.  There were too many memories here – memories that Perry no longer had.  They’d spent an entire weekend here, basking in the glow of their recent engagement, more in love than they’d ever been.

              JD hugged his knees to his chest when they sat down in the sand, trying desperately to keep it together.  He knew Perry was watching him, looking over at him every so often, but he didn’t dare look back, too ashamed of what he’d said the night before.

              “JD,” Perry finally said, reaching out to take his hand.

              “I’m so sorry,” JD whispered, closing his eyes at Perry’s touch.  “What I said last night was horrible and I didn’t mean it –”

              “I know,” Perry said calmly.  “Please look at me, JD.”

              JD forced himself to look at Perry, just barely holding back tears. 

              “I think we both need to face the possibility that my memories might not come back,” Perry said, squeezing JD’s hand.  “So I figure that even if I _don’t_ remember things from before, I can remember times like this.  Good times.”

              JD nodded, knowing that Perry was making sense.  “I just don’t want to stop hoping,” he admitted.  “Every morning I wake up and just _hope_ that today will be the day that you remember.  It’s not fair to you, I know.  You can’t control it and neither can I.  I just… I miss how it used to be.”

              “And I don’t think anyone could blame you for that,” Perry said gently.  “But spending so much time living in the past, JD… it isn’t healthy.”

              JD closed his eyes again and felt Perry’s arms go around him, pulling him to his chest.  “I’m trying hard to be the person I used to be for you, Newbie,” Perry said, a hint of sadness in his voice.  “Maybe that’s not helping as much as I thought it would.”

              “That’s what I wanted to avoid,” JD sighed, sniffling.  “I didn’t want to put any pressure on you, but I guess that’s not really working, huh?”

              “I want you to stop worrying about me for a second, all right?” Perry said firmly.  “How long has it been since you worried about _you_?”

              JD shrugged.  “You’re my priority right now,” he said simply.  “You have to be.”

              “But that doesn’t mean you can’t take care of yourself,” Perry reminded him.  “If you need to get out of the apartment sometimes or go be with your friends, you don’t have to ask my permission.  Now that I can get around the apartment by myself, you don’t have to feel obligated to be there all the time.”

              “I guess I just feel guilty leaving you,” JD admitted.  “When we got married, I promised you that I’d be by your side through everything, good and bad.  That didn’t change, even with the circumstances.”

              “I understand that,” Perry said, “but you don’t have to feel _guilty_ , JD.  You’re not leaving me when you take a break.  You’ve been so supportive throughout this entire process.  You deserve to relax for a while.”

              “In that case, maybe we could stay here for a while,” JD said softly, leaning into Perry.  “Just for a few days.”

              “I think that’s a good idea,” Perry said, pressing a kiss to the top of JD’s head.  “Such a good idea, in fact, that I’ve already booked us a hotel room just down the road.”

              JD managed a smile.  “Very sneaky,” he said appreciatively.

              They stayed on the beach for hours after that, leaning against each other and listening to the waves crash against the shore and birds flying overhead.  Once the beach started to become more crowded in late morning, JD suggested they go check into their hotel.  He knew sitting like this wouldn’t make Perry’s hip feel any better, but he also knew that Perry wasn’t likely to bring that up.  Besides, JD hadn’t put on any sunscreen and didn’t want to spend their getaway burnt to a crisp.

              The hotel was really just down the street from the beach – clearly, Perry had had time to do some research about the area – and the room he’d reserved was really a suite, complete with a separate bedroom with a king-sized bed, a kitchenette, and a balcony that looked down over the water.  Just being there made JD feel more serene and relaxed, though their argument the night before was still nagging in the back of his mind.

              Perry didn’t seem too upset about it, but JD wondered if he was just playing down his feelings to spare JD’s.  He knew he shouldn’t dwell on it too much, but after a day filled with lounging on the beach, grabbing a bite to eat at a local seafood restaurant, a couple movies, and relaxing in the hotel room, JD was still worrying about it. 

              Late in the evening, after the sun had gone down, Perry announced that he was going to shower and then head to bed.  JD was feeling a bit restless himself, and not at all ready for sleep.  After he heard the shower start, he stepped out onto the balcony and watched the water for a while.  Once that no longer seemed to be distraction enough for him, he pulled out his phone and dialed Turk’s number.

              “What up, dude?” Turk answered in a goofy voice that just barely managed to put a smile on JD’s face.

              “Hey, Turk,” he said, subdued.

              “What kind of greeting is that?  Where’s the J-Man that I know and love?”

              “I’m sorry,” JD sighed.  “I’m just not feeling very upbeat at the moment.”

              “Need me to come over and get the party started?” Turk offered.

              “No, actually, Perry and I are down by the coast.  He planned this little vacation for us, but we had a fight last night.”

              “Sounds serious.”

              “Yeah, I may have accused him of not _wanting_ to remember.  You know, because I’m a terrible person.”

              JD could almost _hear_ Turk roll his eyes.  “You’re not a terrible person, JD.  You’re just going through some shit right now.  I’m sure Perry understands.”

              “He does.  Or at least he says he does,” JD said, sinking down into one of the patio chairs.  “I can’t really tell if he’s being honest about it or if he’s just trying to spare my feelings.”

              “Sounds like you’re talking about more than just one fight,” Turk said slowly.

              JD took a deep breath.  “I’m trying so hard to be happy,” he said softly, not having admitted any of this to anyone before.  “But I don’t know how much longer I can do this.  He’s not the same and I… I don’t know if it’s working.  I know he’s Perry, but he’s not _my_ Perry.  He hasn’t remembered anything… It’s been four months since the accident, Turk.  All I want is for him to be happy and… and maybe he’s supposed to find that with someone else.”

              “JD, come on,” Turk said sadly, “if you two can’t make it, there’s no hope for the rest of us.  Have you told him any of this?”

              “No,” JD said quickly, shaking his head.  “I’m not going to.  Not now anyway.  But I’m so _tired_ , Turk.  I can’t keep going like this, just clinging to the hope that someday he’ll just wake up and remember everything.”

              “That… damn, that’s heavy,” Turk sighed.  “I wish I could make it better for you, man, I really do.  I hate seeing you like this.”

              “Yeah, I know,” JD mumbled.  “But I appreciate you letting me talk about it with you.”

              “You know I’m always here for you, JD.  I just think that maybe you should hang on a little longer.  Don’t give up on him yet.  He still cares about you and who knows, maybe he _will_ remember some day.”

              “That’s what everyone says.  That’s what _he_ says,” JD said, sounding tortured.  “But it’s so hard just _waiting_.”

              “I know, buddy,” Turk said gently.  “But just think about it – if all this had happened to you and you didn’t remember him, he wouldn’t give up on you.  He’d probably be even _more_ frustrated about the whole thing than you.”  Turk chuckled then.  “I mean, just think of him trying to handle something like this.  I think you deserve an award.”

              JD laughed quietly, even if it was a little half-hearted.  “Yeah, I guess,” he agreed and was silent for a moment.  “Look, I should probably go, get some rest.  I didn’t sleep well last night.”

              “All right,” Turk allowed.  “Call me tomorrow?”

              “Sure,” JD promised.  “Love you, Turk.”

              “Love you, too, buddy,” Turk replied before hanging up.

              JD remained in his chair for the next half hour, watching people run around on the beach despite it being after dark.  He wished he was as carefree as them and realized that at points in his life, he had been.  He could only hope to get back there someday.

              So quietly that JD hadn’t heard him step out onto the balcony, Perry sat down in the chair next to JD and looked over at him with a strange expression.

              “Are you okay?”  JD asked in concern, noting that Perry’s eyes were red.

              Wordlessly, Perry leaned over and wrapped his arms around JD, holding him more tightly than what was really comfortable. 

              “Uh, Perry?” JD asked, awkwardly returning the embrace.

              “God, Newbie,” Perry breathed.  “ _JD_.”

              JD swallowed at the tone of Perry’s voice, the quiet desperation there.  “Perry, what’s going on?” he pressed.

              “I love you,” Perry whispered.  “I couldn’t get to sleep and then everything just started to come back…”

              JD pulled away from Perry, staring at him in disbelief.  “You’re not – are you saying what I think you’re saying?”

              “I remember you, JD,” Perry said thickly.  “I remember _us_.”

              JD reached forward to take Perry’s face in his hands, despite their shaking.  “Are you serious?” he gasped.  “You really remember?”  God, he couldn’t believe this!  He’d just been talking about giving up on Perry and… and now…

              “I proposed to you in the middle of our living room after Turk and Carla’s wedding, you’re _always_ the little spoon unless I’m sick, you’re outstandingly skilled at sexual favors, and you are, without a doubt, the love of my life,” Perry said, his eyes filling with tears.

              JD began to cry, his tears rolling unabashedly down his cheeks.  This was everything he’d been wanting for _four months_.  Four months of suffering and pain and dramatic ups and downs and shocks and successes. 

              “Baby, look at you,” Perry said sadly, pulling back to take JD in.  “You haven’t been sleeping, you’re not eating…”

              JD just cried harder, leaning across the space between them to hug Perry, clinging to him.  “I thought you’d never remember,” he sobbed.  “And you’ve been in so much pain and I couldn’t help you –”

              He broke off, too overwhelmed to say anything else.  He could feel Perry shaking and knew he was crying right along with him as they held each other as tightly as they could.

              “Doesn’t matter,” Perry murmured.  “I can’t imagine what sort of torture this has all been for you.  You’ve been so strong, angel.  I’m so proud of you and I love you so much.”

              “I love you,” JD managed to choke out, though he cried even harder when Perry used the pet-name JD had become accustomed to hearing over the years.  He hadn’t realized how desperately he’d missed it until Perry had said it.  “And, Perry, I swear to god, if you ever want to run again, you’re doing it on a treadmill.”

              Perry barked out a watery laugh and kissed JD’s cheek.  “Whatever you say,” he said easily.  “Whatever time I have left, I’d rather spend it with you.”

             

              JD wasn’t sure how, but they’d made it into bed sometime during the night and were now lying on their sides face-to-face.  Perry had a hand resting on JD’s cheek, stroking the hair there, and JD had an arm draped over Perry’s middle, keeping them as close as possible.  JD had finally stopped crying, though he doubted he’d be any less emotional come morning. 

              “Say it again,” JD whispered, his eyes locked on Perry’s.

              “I love you,” Perry murmured.  “More than anything.”

              “I’m so glad this isn’t a dream,” JD said with a soft laugh.  “Kinda thought it might’ve been at first.”

              “Definitely not a dream,” Perry promised.  “I’ve got a killer headache to prove it.”

              JD leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to Perry’s forehead.  “Rest then.  We can talk more when you wake up.”

              Perry hummed his agreement and kissed JD before relaxing in his arms.  “Goodnight, sweetheart.”

              “Goodnight,” JD echoed, nuzzling in against Perry’s shoulder. 

              He fell asleep thinking that when he called Turk tomorrow, he’d be in for quite the surprise.  The smile on his face as he drifted off was mirrored by Perry, who held him close throughout the night, never to let go again.


End file.
